Being True to Yourself

    Growing up I had a friend who I truly would call my best friend, not that I only had 1 best friend, but this friend was the one who influenced me the most. The best way to summarize the relationship we had is to look at it in pirate terms. If I were the captain of my rag tag group then he was the first mate. A fairly egotistical metaphor I know but also honest. Why was I the captain and he the first mate, because among the group of rag tag scoundrels I led he was the only one who would not be led, he was the one I went to for my peace of mind and he was the one who always knew where he stood. He and I together were Duality.

    Allow me to explain, growing up I constantly sought out acceptance from others and aimed to fit in by blending in, I was a chameleon, always changing my style and thoughts and trying to be something I was not in order to be cool or even liked. My counterpart, who I will refer to as Doll Face, enjoyed seclusion from others, he stuck to his own views and his own style, never changing who he was even when people tried and tried to crack that porcelain shell.

    My way led me to a life of constant identity questioning and changing, never truly being happy and never truly fitting in anywhere. It made me always see the grass as being greener instead of working to grow my own. His way caused people to flock to him, to want to be associated with him and even made people question what it was that they were even though that was never his goal. Doll Face never wavered to who he was even in temptation and that made him cool to others, it made him that strong quiet type. It made him type that the girls wanted to figure out the mystery behind and the guys wanted to be seen as that mystery. I became known as a loud and outspoken odd ball with brightly colored braces that scared girls away and made the guys want to hit him which is why Doll Face ironically started to call me Stitch Mouth.

    I spent so much time trying to be cool, trying to be funny, trying to be dark, mysterious, trying to be accepted that I never stopped and tried to be myself. Not until 12 years later after I had come to terms that I never took time to meet myself, to stare myself in the eyes, and get to know who I truly was. I didn’t meet myself until I was 26 and had the world fall apart around me, or at least what I thought was the world. That is when I realized that my best me, the me that would have been cool, the me that could have known everyone and done everything is the me who doesn’t care about how he is seen or who he impresses, it is the me that lives life for himself and understands in his own thoughts, his own beliefs and his own ideas. Me that is open to accepting other people’s views and ideas and enjoys every part of life that comes at him.

    I aim to leave every reader with a uplifting thought here at the conclusion, something to inspire them to do more and be more, to achieve their own greatness and today is no different. Today, I ask all of you to stop living to blend in, but instead to stand out. Stop chasing the crowd, but to turn and lead it. Stop being told what to believe and instead believe what is right for you. I ask that you take some time to get to know who you really are before you are simply another face among the mass that goes through the motions of day to day life. 

    Money, the root of all evil, the fuel that makes the world turn! None of us have enough and yet some of us have too much.  Big-E use to say, “Mo Money, Mo problems.” I would much rather have Big-E’s problems than my own…besides the being shot and killed thing. They say that money doesn’t buy you happiness but if that is the case, then why do people with money appear happier than those of us with little to no money.

    I often find myself looking for money in hopes of buying a happier lifestyle and every time I do, I end up unhappier than I ever was. There is a trap we don’t see when we chase money, a trap we cannot escape from and that trap is called the Rat Race. The more money we want, the harder we work, and the harder we work the more money we end up paying back to the hand that feeds us.  It took me years to figure out this trap and sadly I still fall victim to it more often than I should. We have grown up in this living marketplace culture where everything has a price and everyone believes they are guaranteed a piece of the pie. Allow me to be the bearer of bad news and tell you, not everyone gets a piece. No one is guaranteed greatness, no one is promised riches, and none of us handed gold. We all sow what we reap, but not all of us will reap what we sow.

    There is a solution though, something that I constantly have to be reminded myself. Money is fleeting. Possessions deteriorate, and valuables lost, but happiness, peace, and greatness, they all come from within, and they are what will truly make you rich in this world. With those three things you can truly achieve anything you want, you can overcome everything you face, and be the person you were meant to be. It is time that we stop trying to chase money, and instead chase our dreams. It is time we stop living to be someone else, but live to be ourselves! 

Voicing my Voice: 20 Things to Master

    

    After traveling Rome and Athens for a week, being delayed in New York, jumping over to Minnesota, making it home, and enjoying some down time (yes, downtime after a vacation) I have realized something rather major…

 I HAVE WRITERS BLOCK!

    Everything I have touched the pen to lately has become scribbles, rants, or trash. I expected to come home with a detailed review of Rome, another of Athens, and at least one humor or pop culture piece to share in the blog, not to mention the work I wanted to put into a book idea I have, and instead came home with nothing. I have been so fixated on responsibility and stress that I have failed to do what I originally set out to do with this blog and that was promote positivity and enjoy life to the fullest. I understand that not every day will be a great day but lately it feels like I have just given in to the bad ones and forgot to just blow off the bullshit and focus on the good.

    I do a great deal of self-reflecting, so  much in fact that some have suggested to me that I possibly “think too much instead of living” and they are most likely correct, but then again maybe that is a habit developed from my environment. My parents were always cautious and planned people and that taught me to always calculate the risk but when you calculate risk it takes away from anything you may experience not to mention it gives you a slightly more negative outlook on things.

    With that all said, I still have nothing to truly write about so I decided to google ideas and came across list titled “20 things everyone should master by age 40” and it is from Oprah.com …. Seriously fucking Oprah… someone I hold to trust or faith in… oh well I have gone too far to turn back now, he says looking back 59 words. Anyways I figure I can at least run through these to self-evaluate and possibly state my opinion about each or some.

    #1 is “How to Delegate.”

    Well fuck that, few people ever learn how to delegate and it is not required of most of us because we are followers or peons, paid to sit still and do as we are told. Next!

     #2 “How to Comfort Someone.”

Okay, this one makes sense; we should all take the time to learn how to comfort someone even if it’s just the people close to us. It is helpful to others when you show interest in their burden, and honestly that is all most of us are looking for, someone to listen.

    #3 is “How to Have More Fun Having Sex.”

Ladies, and that is the target demographic this list is aiming for, I am sorry that we have let you down. Oprah is not someone I would be going to for sex advice but then again none of these points are even written by Oprah, I.E.:

Sex researchers have found that one of the biggest turn-ons for women is feeling desired. So believing that you're desirable is key. Choose a part of your body you admire. It might be your eyes, your hari, the curve of your calves. Now focus on that part in your mind and "see" it as your partner would see it. It may feel silly, but imagine he's thinking, "Wow, I want her so bad." And remember: You don't have to wait until you're in the mood. Sometimes you just need to get started and the mood will follow.

—Gail Saltz, MD, author of The Ripple Effect: How Better Sex Can Lead to a Better Life

I personally want to express to both genders that feeling desired is a turn on for everyone. Guys, take some time to show her you care and want her, Ladies, don’t be afraid to make the first move now and then.

    #4 is (why I chose to even write about this list) “How to Spot a Good Opportunity.”

This is something I have very poor experience in. It is not often that opportunity gets slung at my door like a newspaper on Sunday morning. Honestly, I think the idea of opportunity coming to you has died off due to my generation and those to follow, generation Y and Z. I like the advice given on this one so I will quote it here:

“When you're weighing an opportunity, make the question that simple: “"Do I really want this, or am I doing it for the money or the prestige or because I think I should?"” It can't just be about those things. It has to make you feel good, too. And by the way, if opportunities aren't knocking, you can make your own.”

—Christina Wayne former senior VP at AMC, current president of Cineflix Studios, and an executive producer of the new BBC America series Copper

I think that may be one of the biggest things I struggle with in life, the idea that I am doing something because I was told all my life it is the right way to do something, it is the standard way to do things, and not because I actually enjoy doing it or have any passion to do it.

    #5, “How to make conversations at parties”

 Simple, read something like this and then ask someone their views on any of these topics and how they go about fulfilling these ideas in their life. My personal favorite, ask people how they make conversation at parties when you are at a party. I guarantee you everyone will think it is a joke and just go with it.

    #6, “How to End a Friendship”

Click

FB: “Would you like to unfriend this person?”

You: “Yes”

    #7, “How to Stay in Touch”

Click “Add Friend”

“Friend Request Approved, You and Fuck Face are now Friends!”

    #8 is, “How to Not Sweat the Small Stuff.”

If anyone had an answer to this that wasn’t , “Anti-anxiety pills” then they must have it all figured out and should be lifted high into the air on a throne of gold as wine was poured into their mouth from a chalice by beautiful servants of their sexual preference. What’s that, there is an answer… Well then let’s see it!

“The thing that's grand about spending your time thinking about the universe is that it makes you feel insignificant. I don't mean that in a bad way. If you understand that we've now discovered entire solar systems that contain planets similar to Earth, and that those are just the ones we know about, since most of the stars we've looked at are within about 300 light-years of Earth and the distance to the center of our galaxy is nearly 100 times that—then you realize that the laundry you've left undone and the dumb thing you said yesterday are about as significant as slime mold.”

—Alyssa Goodman, professor of astronomy, Harvard-Smithsonian Center for Astrophysics

That was your advice…that… you know what, no throne or wine or beautiful servants for you! Yea that really helps people out, tell them how insignificant they are whenever they worry about the small stuff, I’m sure that worked great for communist Russia which is why they are the world power right now. Don’t worry about your purpose in all of this Little Nikolie, you are insignificant in the grand scheme of things!

    #9, “How Not to Embarrass Yourself at Karaoke.”

I am going to take a moment here while you think about this question and it following #8, go ahead, and take your time…

…

…

…

Seriously, I’ll wait…

…

…

…

Anyways, simple solution, don’t sing Karaoke.

    #10 is, “How to Make New Friends-at ANY AGE.”

Please refer to #7

    #11 is, “How to Forgive Yourself.”

You have to find a way forward. You can say, "I'm going to work to improve myself so I never hurt another person that way." And then you need to atone, to make the lesson you learned mean something. Do this, and you will be able to look in the mirror again.

—Jennifer Thompson, rape victim whose testimony sent the wrong man to prison for ten years

Yes, Jennifer has the right idea, you have to find a way to make yourself feel better after you wrongfully accuse someone and lock them away in federal prison where they will live every day worrying who is going to shank them from the front and back (HEYO!) Jokes aside, I’m not trying to lessen what she went through, rape is a horrible act to commit towards anyone and I feel for people who have TRUELY experienced that in life.

Forgiveness is hard, honestly I think it may be easier for one to forgive themselves than it is to forgive others so personally I think #11 should just be “How to Forgive” and address the idea of forgiving others and yourself. It takes a great deal of strength to forgive someone who has hurt you. I would consider myself a very forgiving person and that is not based off of my own ego but more so from people being surprised by my actions and explaining to me how their first instinct would not have been the same thing. We should all work on forgiveness, and to be honest it starts by truly trying to see the world from the other parties’ perspective and reflecting on what you did to upset them.

    #12, “How to Tell a Secret.”

Two can keep a secret if one of them is dead.

    #13, “Simple Ways to Look Polished.”

I feel like we somehow just jumped into a damn Cosmo article because it literally is a basics style guide for women that I will not share because it could have been written co-gender very easily but Adam Glassman, creative director for O obviously has no friends at GQ or Esquire or else he would have realized they write the same bullshit for men’s basic fashion too!

    #14 is, “How to Let Go of Anger.”

Anger is like a storm rising up from the bottom of your consciousness. When you feel it coming, turn your focus to your breath. Breathe in deeply to bring your mind home to your body. Then look at, or think of, the person triggering this emotion: With mindfulness, you can see that she is unhappy, that she is suffering. You can see her wrong perceptions. You can see that she is not beautiful when she says things that are unkind. You can also see that you don't want to be like her. You'll feel motivated by a desire to say or do something nice—to help the other person suffer less. This means compassionate energy has been born in your heart. And when compassion appears, anger is deleted.

—Thich Nhat Hanh, Buddhist monk and author of Anger: Wisdom for Cooling the Flames

I can’t even mock this one because I feel like it is spot on, I mean sure it sounds super granola peace and love for all but at least the focus is correct, She is not happy and you better find a way to make her happy because let’s face it guys, it’s always our fault.

    #15, “How to Say Goodbye to a Loved One.”

“Okay, Bye, I know you are going to call me in 5 minutes anyways so I’m leaving mom!”

    #16 is, “How to Know when to Quit.”

I can’t make heads or tails of this one because I swear it is contradicting its self so I am just going to quote it and maybe someone else will understand it. (Keep in mind it is 11:59 p.m. as I write this part.)

After my first book was published in 2000, I spent two and a half years writing a novel. But it never felt right. I didn't even name it—it was the poor, misshapen beast child I kept hidden under my bed. Then I showed it to my agent. "None of the things you do well are in evidence here," she said. I was devastated, then relieved: I had failed, and now I could stop. If you don't feel a shiver of excitement or fear, if there's no emotional risk involved, let it go (LET IT GOOO LET IT GOOO!). You can't discount how hard it will be to leave your bad marriage or stop writing your bad book, but if you're unhappy, nothing can get better as long as the status quo stays the status quo.

—Elissa Schappell, author of Blueprints for Building Better Girls

    #17, “How to Listen Better.”

Okay so listening, this is a hard one for so many of us and I feel like it has only become harder with the shortened attention span that social media has given us. (Don’t believe me, consider every video, status, and article you read now and really recall when was the last time it took you more than 5 minutes to get through any of those, beside this one of course.)

Attentive listening use to be a strong suit of mine and then I realized that I had acquired the lovely ability to use selective hearing (not a blessing gentlemen) which made my life a bit harder and as time has gone on I honestly can’t recall half of the things people talked to me about today. How do we overcome this, simple, we force ourselves. We put the phone away, make it silent, sit at a table with people, take turns expressing our pieces, bounce ideas around, ask for feedback, use non-verbal signs to express our interest and concern, and be part of a conversation.

Next time you are talking to someone take note on where your phone is, where their phone is, how many times you both look at them, where your feet are pointing, how both your bodies are situated, your tones, your actions, and see how much of it says, “I want to be here right now.” Once you have done all of this, take a course on Interpersonal Communication or at least google some concepts of it!

 

    #18 is, “How to Get Past Emotional Pain.”

Everything we experience—no matter how unpleasant—comes into our lives to teach us something. To move on from something difficult, look for the lesson. Start by asking yourself: "If this is the way things are supposed to be, what can I learn from it?" Think about how you may have contributed to the painful experience, or if there was anything you could have done to prevent it. Often we don't realize the lesson because we'd rather avoid reliving the pain. But once you allow yourself to reflect on the sadness, anger, guilt, or shame you've been hiding, those feelings will begin to subside. Yes, someone hurt you. Once you've forgiven them and let go, you can move forward and begin creating the life you desire.

—Iyanla Vanzant, host of OWN's Iyanla, Fix My Life

I can’t touch this one because I agree with it, everything we experience is supposed to teach us something and that is why they say, “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.” The phrase refers to emotional trials (majority of the time) although I am sure there are some physical pains that also apply.

    #19, “How to Buy Great Wine.”

If there are two things I don’t know it is Wine and Scotch. They both taste like bitter, dry, liquids to me that have the potential to get me drunk. I can stomach them both but when there is a choice, I would prefer almost anything else. There are certain occasions where a glass of wine is nice, now as for Scotch, fuck scotch, I will take a Gin if I want to act like I am higher glass than I am.

    #20, after all of this I can honestly say that I almost gave up and said screw getting to twenty but now that I can see it (and I literally didn’t read these in advance, I wrote them as I read them) I can say I am happy I stuck it out because this may be the most important on the list. “How to Laugh at Life.”

The tap water hits a spoon in the sink and sprays you. You pull a window shade and it just keeps going and going. You can't roll up a garden hose in any dignified way. You have to become a connoisseur of these events—“"Wow, look at that, that's great."” You have to hope that a higher power is saying, ”"That was a good one!"” And that you're sharing the divine pleasure it's taking in your misfortune.

—Ian Frazier, author of The Cursing Mommy's Book of Days

After seeing this and thinking back to how I started this blog post I have to laugh. I am going on about how I am stressing and forgetting to just enjoy life and not take it so damn seriously and then we work through all twenty of these and BOOM, the last one is re-iterating the idea that this whole thing began on. Sometimes you really do just have to laugh at Life.

To see the entire list travel on over to : http://www.oprah.com/spirit/20-Things-Everyone-Should-Master-by-Age-40/4

Thank you www.timlikestodraw.com for "letting" me use your image even though you have no idea I did so at the moment. 

The History of: Me

    It has been roughly a month or so since I have posted a blog and there are a few reasons for that. I have been busy with the daily grind and focusing on a few new things but tonight I wanted to take some time to write an entry that I have been meaning to write for some time.

    When I was a junior in Highschool I joined the school newspaper and that is one of the key moments in my life where I realized that I really enjoyed writing. There was another key factor much earlier in life before this but I will write about that another time. Recently I was cleaning out my house and I stumbled across the self-summary I had to write for English class. This same English teacher was the head of the school paper. Below, is the exact essay written word for word and letter for letter that I submitted to that teacher as my first assignment.

Dear M. Ferris

    As a student I can be very odd and entertaining. I am usually a jokester inside and out of the class and try to keep a bit of humor in everything.

    I like to be treated fairly, as long as im not the example all the time i’m okay. Its easiest to get along with me in any way. I connect with interesting teachers and boring teachers I dont connect with.

    I dont like reading aloud because it goes slow, and presentations always cause that stomach churning feeling. Group work is something I avoid so im not stuck doing all the work. Writings great but sometimes there are points where you cant explain what you want too.

    I’m a fairly well writer if its fiction; non-fiction is to solid for me to write, it has form and facts and fiction is what you make it. My weakest skills in English is spelling and keeping my vocabulary use simple, both I would like improve on.

    Thinking of previous English classes I realise I only did bad when I did’nt respect the teacher, I felt that way towards Mrs.Sneed.

    I would like to accomplish a high grade in this class but evaluation is your choice. I’d rather not be judged by my ideas or outlooks because their so odd.

    I play guitar and draw and write, im also interested in being a movie writer or show writer or possibly an animator of my own show. I’m not a proud person because their just accomplishments and if it wase’nt you who did it then someone else would have.

    All you can really do to help me is keep things interesting, be open to odd ideas, and maybe repeat instructions because I have a tendency to tune out now and then. Question’s for you, do you run the school newspaper?

                      Sign your student for two six weeks,
                                                           James

I read over this self-summary now and think back to this time in my life and there are a few things I must address.

“I like to be treated fairly” ... WELL NO SHIT, WHO DOESN’T!

“Group work is something I avoid so im not stuck doing all the work. Writings great but sometimes there are points where you cant explain what you want too.” … HEY 16 YEAR OLD JAMES, STOP BEING A FUCKING DOORMAT AND MAKE OTHERS DO THEIR SHARE OF THE DAMN WORK, ALSO, LEARN TO WRITE YOU TWIT, MAYBE THEN YOU CAN “EXPLAIN WHAT YOU WANT!”

“I’m a fairly well writer if its fiction” … I WAS OBVIOUSLY STEVIE WONDER WHEN IT CAME TO RECOGNIZING MY SKILLS…BLIND!

“; non-fiction is to solid for me to write, it has form and facts and fiction is what you make it.” …WHY DID I TRY TO USE A SEMICOLON? Although not to toot my own horn this is the guy who wrote his completely factual final essay in 4 hours while stoned out of his mind for his Interpersonal Communication class in college and made a 97 on it.

 My weakest skills in English is spelling and keeping my vocabulary use simple, both I would like improve on.” …THE MOST ADVANCED WORD IN THIS ENTIRE ESSAY WAS “VOCABULARY” AND “ACCOMPLISHMENTS!” ONE CAN ALSO SEE THAT I WAS HORRIBLE AT USING PUNCTUATION!

“Thinking of previous English classes I realise I only did bad when I did’nt respect the teacher, I felt that way towards Mrs.Sneed.” … INSULTING OTHER TEACHERS, WAY TO GO DICK!

“I’d rather not be judged by my ideas or outlooks because their so odd.” … IDIOT, FUCKING IDIOT!

“I’m not a proud person because their just accomplishments and if it wase’nt you who did it then someone else would have.” …LOOK AT THE SELF-CONFIDENCE JUST POURING OUT OF THIS DUMBASS, WHY NOT BE THE PERSON WHO ACCOMPLISHED THE GOAL, YOU HAVE A RIGHT TO BE PROUD!

“All you can really do to help me is keep things interesting, be open to odd ideas, and maybe repeat instructions because I have a tendency to tune out now and then.” … I’M FAIRLY CERTAIN SHE HELPED ME MUCH MORE THAN I EVER STOPPED TO REALIZE.

    This brings me to my points, One, never be afraid to laugh at yourself, and two, there was no reason for this instructor to offer me a position in the school paper later on and granted I was eventually kicked out but that was for different reasons that I brought upon myself. I do remember that the last article I wrote for the paper was highly scrutinized and I was continuously questioned on the fact that I wrote it because it was so different from what I had been turning in. I never considered why I was interrogated so much about it until I found this and realized just how much my style of writing developed in that short time. I look back at this now and reflect on just how much of a dumb ass know-it-all I thought I was and laugh, but I also have drawn a great conclusion from it. There is no one in this world who is perfect, no one who cannot find something they can improve on, and if we can spare some patience on those people and help them see what it is we see in them, they maybe, just maybe they will develop into someone they are supposed to be.

 

 

Now & Then: Gatsby

    I enjoy a party as much as anyone else. There is a great deal of enjoyment in gathering people, mingling, and making new friends. In my past one could have considered me to be a young Gatsby. I would host parties for the simple reason of inviting over women that I had interest in with hopes of wooing them.  

    In my early twenties it was easy to get off of work at 10:30 (PM), grab a case of beer, some Boons-Farm, and invite all of my co-workers and friends over to party. I would give my roommate 15 minutes’ notice to get out of his PJ’s and spot clean the house. Within the hour we would have fifteen to thirty people over playing beer pong. There would be plenty of people smoking cigarettes on the porch and decent pop rock or top 40 playing on the lap top while everyone mingled. Usually a few hours in the roommate would end up on the roof with at least 2 other people while some drunken girl craving attention would have flashed her boobs at least 5 times by one o’clock.

    This method worked well for me and often led to me and some young lady in my room but I have never been a fan of the golden rule of sales…Always be closing. Almost always I would stop things before it went too far and while most guys would say this is dumb of me I honestly enjoyed knowing I have self-control and self-respect to not raise my number just because I could.

    Jump forward to 2015, I am now 26, living alone, single…again, and finally realizing the flaw in Gatsby’s master plan. Hosting booze fueled nights in hope of creating a relationship or connection of any form is a poorly laid out plan. It offers a great opportunity to catch all of the red flags but why even waste the time. I’m not saying that only bad things come from these situations, that is far from true, a great deal of amazing things happened on nights like this but it always had its flaws.

    Building a connection with a woman who is 5 beers and 4 shots in while she flashes the room will not lead me or many others to true happiness. These actions should be the writing on the wall that warn us of what we are about to get into. I am happy that I no longer find appeal in this Gatsby concept but also wish to pay my respect to what it has taught me. I learned that I have a great deal of self-control and that our intuitions and insight can save us from some really bad situations.

    I reflect on these nights and cherish that they are a part of my past. I hold memories of growing close to friends and a lover in these situations very close to my heart and often smile when I remember them. I will never forget the New Years that the roommate and I ended up in our birthday suits with glittery top hats over our junk while playing pong against each other. I will always cherish the Sunday cookouts with horse shoes and fajitas. I will always grow warm when I think back to my first surprise party thrown by someone who loved me even if the surprise was ruined. I know that I usually try to wrap these blogs up with some form of inspiration or call to action but not everything in our life has to be a step forward or a leap in a new directions, sometimes it is perfectly fine to stop, sit, and reflect on where we have been, instead of worrying about where we are going.

 

Introduction to: Wasted Youth

    I think I should give a little background as to how this blog came to be and why it is what it is. As of one year today I started my first big boy job. I stepped into corporate America; roughly 5 months ago I became newly single from a relationship that will always play a big factor in my life, and roughly some hour of January 1^st, 2015 I realized that I had let a great deal of my life pass me by.

    Hear me out, that is not to say that I wasted any number of years, No, most of it held great lessons for life. What I mean by “pass me by” is that I spent so much time trying to figure out how to grow up that I never stopped to be a young adult and truly do things that left me with those WTF stories.  

    Wasted Youth summarizes that exact view, those years from 18 to 26 where you live with a sense of little consequence because you feel invincible. I am not saying I don’t have any stories from those years, (I do, and I may share them sometime) but not as many as I should, and defiantly not as crazy as they should be.  Granted that doesn’t mean I plan to make up for those years by acting like a barbarian in life for the next few, but I did make a resolution to live every day to the best of my ability in 2015. Wasted Youth is meant to be a collection of thoughts and experiences that I have learned from my years of constant worry about how to grow up and be an adult and the new adventures I experience in life in the coming years. I want it to be something that makes people think and evaluate, something that makes them laugh and even cry. I honestly just wanted a way to share things with the world that maybe they weren’t seeing themselves.

    I spent my late teens trying to discover what was wrong with me and then again in my early twenties. I spent my early and mid-twenties wondering how to be an adult who could take care of himself and loved ones and someday provide for a family. I spent all of those years constantly wanting to know what I was supposed to do instead of finding it for myself. If you have ever felt lost or confused, ever questioned your purpose or just felt like an outcast than I hope that Wasted Youth can inspire you time and time again but if not, I hope that you take at least one little thing with you from it…Live Your Life!

 

 

That Empty Feeling...

    I am sitting here tonight and waiting for a cup of mint green tea to brew and thinking about a feeling. Honestly, I am thinking of the lack of a feeling. It is safe to say that we have all felt a feeling of emptiness before, and I don’t mean hunger, I mean an internal emptiness. It is best described as when you feel hollow inside, like nothing you do really matters.

    I know I have felt this feeling and I am sure many of you have as well. I struggled with the feeling a great deal in my early adult years and at times I still do. I have spent a great deal of time combating that feeling and its many different forms. I think we as people can feel empty whenever different things are lacking in our life.

 

  

 

  I know that one of the biggest times I have to battle the emptiness is when I am single and alone. I think that when we are single we believe there is something wrong with us and we start a quest to pinpoint what it is. We begin to analyze every aspect of ourselves and try to change anything we can in hopes of finding a way to fill that emptiness. I believe that we fail to recognize what it is we have to offer to the world because that emptiness consumes us all and begins to break us down as people. The problem is that we have been lead to believe that we are failing because we are alone. Television, Storybooks, and even Music have convinced us that love is the all-powerful and without it you are an outcast. The world isn’t a fairytale and we are not worthless because we are single. We need to learn that this time alone is a time for us to grow and strengthen ourselves, a time to appreciate who we are and discover what we really have to offer the world. This may be one of the hardest forms of emptiness to combat but once you do there is so much you can learn about yourself.

    Loneliness is not the only reason we can feel empty, another form is feeling unaccomplished. When you look at your life and see this routine for every day and every night you can start to feel empty. That feeling of going nowhere and striving for nothing can really bring a person down. I think a big factor to do with this is also one that may be hard to beat. Technology, it has given us the ability of instant gratification and because of that our long sighted goals have come to a near extinction because we constantly want to feel good and can achieve small boosts of that feeling quickly now simply by finding a funny video online or reading a post on Facebook. Imagine it as a cigarette smoker, 5 minutes of quick endorphins that perk you up for a short while before you do it again. The more you do it, the more of a tolerance you build and then suddenly it becomes a constant in order to feel good. Instant gratification has become the number one drug of America and it is killing our drive to achieve bigger things. It saps away the feeling of a big accomplishment or anything we do that gives us a reason to live.

    I think it is time we find ways to stop feeling empty at such young ages and start enjoying the things we can accomplish. We stop seeking out instant gratification and basic human connection but instead we take on a big task and feel that surge of power from completing it. We put ourselves out there and truly get to know people before writing them off or using them for our own endorphin rush.  I say we all need to find our true selves, our true passions, and our true goals and make sure that each and every one of them meets completion. That is how we overcome any feeling of emptiness, to always be pushing a little further or trying a little more.

Elders and Knowledge

  





  Sitting here tonight, alone on what it a chilly and dark night that follows a day full of rain, drinking water, yes water and I am thinking about a conversation I had with my Grand Ma earlier. It was just a quick exchange about nothing important but it got me thinking. There will come a day where you will realize that one of your grandparents is somewhat of a smartass. After that you will start to remember growing up with them and recall some great things. That is what I did tonight, and it got me thinking about all of my grandparents.

    I was lucky enough to have more than the standard 4 grandparents in my life, somehow I managed to meet end up with seven grandparents and each of them was a character in their own way. I wanted to take a moment to recognize them and just share some memories I have with them and of them.

Grandpa T:

    Of all of my grandparents this is the only one I never got to know. It wasn’t because I didn’t want to; if anything he intrigues me the most because he passed before I even existed. I remember this picture of him sitting on this hutch in Grandma T’s place. He looked a great deal like my dad but with longer hair in the picture. I never really get to hear stories about him but from the few I have I get the impression that he was a hardworking man. Honestly the most I have ever heard about him is that he once operated a gas station and that back in those days you could only get gas on certain days because it was regulated by the government during wartime and your license plate determined which days you could pump. I imagine if my dad is anything like his father then that must be where his dedication to prove comes from.

Grandma T:

    I knew Grandma T for most of my childhood. She passed when I was twenty if I recall correctly. She was always stern while I was growing up. She wasn’t a fan of horseplay but she was still a caretaker. She would always offer you something to drink and to help with anything you did when you were over. I remember she always had a bowl of peanut M&M’s by her kitchen and when the grandkids came over those things were like gold! We never really thanked her for having those; I guess we just always expected them to be there. I think her passing has really taken a toll on the family dynamic, we use to gather at least 3 to 4 times a year back then and now it seems like we only come together once a year and in fractured groups. I never really understood her sternness when I was younger but now I look back and realize she was the kind of woman who survived through some hard times and had to be a strong woman to do so; especially with 7 kids.

Grandma K and Grandpa K:

    These two amaze me constantly; there are few people in the world who are as open and caring as these two. I honestly cannot say I have met many people who have opened their home to complete strangers and treated them like part of the family. These two embody that old married couple so well and to see all of the friends and family they have made over the years is just amazing. I would love to read a book written by these two of just everything they have experienced to this day. It is a shame I have not got to be as close to these two as my sisters have but I am happy to have them in my life as such positive role models.

Grandpa V:

    This is another grandparent I barely got to know but I did for a bit whenever I saw him. My mother says I really don’t know him but honestly I feel like I have a great deal of his genes in me. He always seemed like the free-living, think outside of the box kind of guy and I pride myself on being able to do that so well. I’m not sure how judgmental he was but I would like to think my liberal views may stem some from him. He was a pack rat which I can defiantly say has been a task for me to overcome in life, but eventually you have to tell yourself that you don’t  need the token as long as you have the memory.

Grandma B:

    This would be the grandparent I am the closes to and the one who got me thinking about all of this. I said earlier, there will be a day when you realize one of your grandparents is a smartass. I’m not saying she is a direct and belligerent smartass, but she definitely has a way with words and the ability to hold her own. I remember being younger and staying over at her place every so often. We would always watch Nick-at-Night and eat slices of cheese and apples while watching I Love Lucy. This may be where my love of cheese comes from, thanks Granny; I’ll have horrible cholesterol forever now. As I grew older I did what most people do, pulled away from family and thought I knew everything about life. When I was 18-20, Grandma V, my mom, and I all lived in a house and I started to grow closer to her again. Now that I am 26 I can honestly say I have had some very odd and interesting conversations with her about everything, life, love, and family. I gotta say that I wouldn’t trade her for the world.

Grandpa B:

    Grandpa B was a grandparent that I wish I had not been so afraid of. When I was younger I remember him taking my cousin and I to Dairy Queen and buying us ice cream while he caught up with his buddies. He was also a stern type and a little set in his ways but all around he was good with me. I wish I had got to know him better, when he passed I found his old briefcase filled with cards from co-workers wishing him to get better soon and happy birthdays. Some of the things I read in those cards made me wonder if I had ever really knew the true Grand-dad-B. I always loved playing on his boat and messing around in his vegetable garden. I often get the urge to garden myself but never follow through because I have such a horrible green thumb. On my 26^th birthday I rented a boat and went out on Joe Pool Lake, for some reason the open air on that lake and the trees all around it just felt right to me, I wonder if playing on his boat as a kid made it all feel like second nature. Some Sundays, he would fry catfish for dinner and honestly I haven’t had a piece of fried catfish that good since.

    Thinking about this makes me wonder if we take our time with our loved ones for granted, and if we ever really stop to listen to our elders and take in the knowledge of life that they have to offer. When you really stop think about it, they have been through everything we have and made it through alive, and hell they had to do it without cell-phones, facebook, and prescription drugs for almost every ailment. Maybe we should sit down and listen for a bit, take something in, and see if we don’t walk away with a new life lesson. I invite any and all of you to write about your grandparents too and to feel free to post it down on the comment box, or e-mail me, or even on the facebook post.