What This Blog Should Be...

It has been a few years since I have written anything for this blog. When I started it my goal was to write about my life and journey to make up for the lost time of my life from the four years previous. I had hoped it would be a tale of debauchery and drunken idiocy, something equivalent to that of Tucker Max or Hank Moody. It was nothing like that, instead, the pendulum swung the other direction. I spent the past few years growing more than I ever would have expected. 

I had this idea that since I was in a committed relationship from the age of 21 to 25 that I had let a great deal of the those crazy moments escape me and it was time to catch up, so while some of my closest friends were having kids or getting divorced, I wanted to try psychedelic mushrooms or sleep with a multitude of loose women. I was fresh out of a breakup that was not my choice so I obviously was not in my right mind. I started by spending most nights drunk. Actually, it was every night. If I was not out with a friend in Dallas then I was sitting in a dive bar drinking with 50 year old addicts and failures. I would drink enough to get to sleep at night and go into work hung over every morning. I nearly lost my job over it. This probably sounds depressing or pitiful, and it was, but the truth is, I would not trade those days for anything.

It was those days that led me to meeting new people and those new people who gave me reasons to drink in high spirits instead of low. I spent the next few months, no, years re-learning who I was and began to love myself. The stories that I thought I would write in this blog all changed. I was living life but the stories were not about sowing my oats or destroying myself, instead they are about appreciating who I am, growing as a person, and learning to love myself. I have not written any of those stories here because I quickly realized that my story is not the same as someone else’s. I have kept most of those stories to myself because they were the exact opposite of what this blog was supposed to be but now, I look back and realize that those were the stories I should have told, the only problem is that no matter how I tell them, you would not understand them unless you live them yourself. 

What I can say is this, never look at a decision you have made and see it as a mistake. Don’t regret those past relationship or choices. Don’t regret what you did on a whim. It is those decisions that can shape your life, it is those decisions that could take you from drinking yourself to sleep, to sleeping soundly knowing you are appreciated and loved.

Being True to Yourself

    Growing up I had a friend who I truly would call my best friend, not that I only had 1 best friend, but this friend was the one who influenced me the most. The best way to summarize the relationship we had is to look at it in pirate terms. If I were the captain of my rag tag group then he was the first mate. A fairly egotistical metaphor I know but also honest. Why was I the captain and he the first mate, because among the group of rag tag scoundrels I led he was the only one who would not be led, he was the one I went to for my peace of mind and he was the one who always knew where he stood. He and I together were Duality.

    Allow me to explain, growing up I constantly sought out acceptance from others and aimed to fit in by blending in, I was a chameleon, always changing my style and thoughts and trying to be something I was not in order to be cool or even liked. My counterpart, who I will refer to as Doll Face, enjoyed seclusion from others, he stuck to his own views and his own style, never changing who he was even when people tried and tried to crack that porcelain shell.

    My way led me to a life of constant identity questioning and changing, never truly being happy and never truly fitting in anywhere. It made me always see the grass as being greener instead of working to grow my own. His way caused people to flock to him, to want to be associated with him and even made people question what it was that they were even though that was never his goal. Doll Face never wavered to who he was even in temptation and that made him cool to others, it made him that strong quiet type. It made him type that the girls wanted to figure out the mystery behind and the guys wanted to be seen as that mystery. I became known as a loud and outspoken odd ball with brightly colored braces that scared girls away and made the guys want to hit him which is why Doll Face ironically started to call me Stitch Mouth.

    I spent so much time trying to be cool, trying to be funny, trying to be dark, mysterious, trying to be accepted that I never stopped and tried to be myself. Not until 12 years later after I had come to terms that I never took time to meet myself, to stare myself in the eyes, and get to know who I truly was. I didn’t meet myself until I was 26 and had the world fall apart around me, or at least what I thought was the world. That is when I realized that my best me, the me that would have been cool, the me that could have known everyone and done everything is the me who doesn’t care about how he is seen or who he impresses, it is the me that lives life for himself and understands in his own thoughts, his own beliefs and his own ideas. Me that is open to accepting other people’s views and ideas and enjoys every part of life that comes at him.

    I aim to leave every reader with a uplifting thought here at the conclusion, something to inspire them to do more and be more, to achieve their own greatness and today is no different. Today, I ask all of you to stop living to blend in, but instead to stand out. Stop chasing the crowd, but to turn and lead it. Stop being told what to believe and instead believe what is right for you. I ask that you take some time to get to know who you really are before you are simply another face among the mass that goes through the motions of day to day life. 

    Money, the root of all evil, the fuel that makes the world turn! None of us have enough and yet some of us have too much.  Big-E use to say, “Mo Money, Mo problems.” I would much rather have Big-E’s problems than my own…besides the being shot and killed thing. They say that money doesn’t buy you happiness but if that is the case, then why do people with money appear happier than those of us with little to no money.

    I often find myself looking for money in hopes of buying a happier lifestyle and every time I do, I end up unhappier than I ever was. There is a trap we don’t see when we chase money, a trap we cannot escape from and that trap is called the Rat Race. The more money we want, the harder we work, and the harder we work the more money we end up paying back to the hand that feeds us.  It took me years to figure out this trap and sadly I still fall victim to it more often than I should. We have grown up in this living marketplace culture where everything has a price and everyone believes they are guaranteed a piece of the pie. Allow me to be the bearer of bad news and tell you, not everyone gets a piece. No one is guaranteed greatness, no one is promised riches, and none of us handed gold. We all sow what we reap, but not all of us will reap what we sow.

    There is a solution though, something that I constantly have to be reminded myself. Money is fleeting. Possessions deteriorate, and valuables lost, but happiness, peace, and greatness, they all come from within, and they are what will truly make you rich in this world. With those three things you can truly achieve anything you want, you can overcome everything you face, and be the person you were meant to be. It is time that we stop trying to chase money, and instead chase our dreams. It is time we stop living to be someone else, but live to be ourselves! 

Voicing my Voice: 20 Things to Master

    

    After traveling Rome and Athens for a week, being delayed in New York, jumping over to Minnesota, making it home, and enjoying some down time (yes, downtime after a vacation) I have realized something rather major…

 I HAVE WRITERS BLOCK!

    Everything I have touched the pen to lately has become scribbles, rants, or trash. I expected to come home with a detailed review of Rome, another of Athens, and at least one humor or pop culture piece to share in the blog, not to mention the work I wanted to put into a book idea I have, and instead came home with nothing. I have been so fixated on responsibility and stress that I have failed to do what I originally set out to do with this blog and that was promote positivity and enjoy life to the fullest. I understand that not every day will be a great day but lately it feels like I have just given in to the bad ones and forgot to just blow off the bullshit and focus on the good.

    I do a great deal of self-reflecting, so  much in fact that some have suggested to me that I possibly “think too much instead of living” and they are most likely correct, but then again maybe that is a habit developed from my environment. My parents were always cautious and planned people and that taught me to always calculate the risk but when you calculate risk it takes away from anything you may experience not to mention it gives you a slightly more negative outlook on things.

    With that all said, I still have nothing to truly write about so I decided to google ideas and came across list titled “20 things everyone should master by age 40” and it is from Oprah.com …. Seriously fucking Oprah… someone I hold to trust or faith in… oh well I have gone too far to turn back now, he says looking back 59 words. Anyways I figure I can at least run through these to self-evaluate and possibly state my opinion about each or some.

    #1 is “How to Delegate.”

    Well fuck that, few people ever learn how to delegate and it is not required of most of us because we are followers or peons, paid to sit still and do as we are told. Next!

     #2 “How to Comfort Someone.”

Okay, this one makes sense; we should all take the time to learn how to comfort someone even if it’s just the people close to us. It is helpful to others when you show interest in their burden, and honestly that is all most of us are looking for, someone to listen.

    #3 is “How to Have More Fun Having Sex.”

Ladies, and that is the target demographic this list is aiming for, I am sorry that we have let you down. Oprah is not someone I would be going to for sex advice but then again none of these points are even written by Oprah, I.E.:

Sex researchers have found that one of the biggest turn-ons for women is feeling desired. So believing that you're desirable is key. Choose a part of your body you admire. It might be your eyes, your hari, the curve of your calves. Now focus on that part in your mind and "see" it as your partner would see it. It may feel silly, but imagine he's thinking, "Wow, I want her so bad." And remember: You don't have to wait until you're in the mood. Sometimes you just need to get started and the mood will follow.

—Gail Saltz, MD, author of The Ripple Effect: How Better Sex Can Lead to a Better Life

I personally want to express to both genders that feeling desired is a turn on for everyone. Guys, take some time to show her you care and want her, Ladies, don’t be afraid to make the first move now and then.

    #4 is (why I chose to even write about this list) “How to Spot a Good Opportunity.”

This is something I have very poor experience in. It is not often that opportunity gets slung at my door like a newspaper on Sunday morning. Honestly, I think the idea of opportunity coming to you has died off due to my generation and those to follow, generation Y and Z. I like the advice given on this one so I will quote it here:

“When you're weighing an opportunity, make the question that simple: “"Do I really want this, or am I doing it for the money or the prestige or because I think I should?"” It can't just be about those things. It has to make you feel good, too. And by the way, if opportunities aren't knocking, you can make your own.”

—Christina Wayne former senior VP at AMC, current president of Cineflix Studios, and an executive producer of the new BBC America series Copper

I think that may be one of the biggest things I struggle with in life, the idea that I am doing something because I was told all my life it is the right way to do something, it is the standard way to do things, and not because I actually enjoy doing it or have any passion to do it.

    #5, “How to make conversations at parties”

 Simple, read something like this and then ask someone their views on any of these topics and how they go about fulfilling these ideas in their life. My personal favorite, ask people how they make conversation at parties when you are at a party. I guarantee you everyone will think it is a joke and just go with it.

    #6, “How to End a Friendship”

Click

FB: “Would you like to unfriend this person?”

You: “Yes”

    #7, “How to Stay in Touch”

Click “Add Friend”

“Friend Request Approved, You and Fuck Face are now Friends!”

    #8 is, “How to Not Sweat the Small Stuff.”

If anyone had an answer to this that wasn’t , “Anti-anxiety pills” then they must have it all figured out and should be lifted high into the air on a throne of gold as wine was poured into their mouth from a chalice by beautiful servants of their sexual preference. What’s that, there is an answer… Well then let’s see it!

“The thing that's grand about spending your time thinking about the universe is that it makes you feel insignificant. I don't mean that in a bad way. If you understand that we've now discovered entire solar systems that contain planets similar to Earth, and that those are just the ones we know about, since most of the stars we've looked at are within about 300 light-years of Earth and the distance to the center of our galaxy is nearly 100 times that—then you realize that the laundry you've left undone and the dumb thing you said yesterday are about as significant as slime mold.”

—Alyssa Goodman, professor of astronomy, Harvard-Smithsonian Center for Astrophysics

That was your advice…that… you know what, no throne or wine or beautiful servants for you! Yea that really helps people out, tell them how insignificant they are whenever they worry about the small stuff, I’m sure that worked great for communist Russia which is why they are the world power right now. Don’t worry about your purpose in all of this Little Nikolie, you are insignificant in the grand scheme of things!

    #9, “How Not to Embarrass Yourself at Karaoke.”

I am going to take a moment here while you think about this question and it following #8, go ahead, and take your time…

…

…

…

Seriously, I’ll wait…

…

…

…

Anyways, simple solution, don’t sing Karaoke.

    #10 is, “How to Make New Friends-at ANY AGE.”

Please refer to #7

    #11 is, “How to Forgive Yourself.”

You have to find a way forward. You can say, "I'm going to work to improve myself so I never hurt another person that way." And then you need to atone, to make the lesson you learned mean something. Do this, and you will be able to look in the mirror again.

—Jennifer Thompson, rape victim whose testimony sent the wrong man to prison for ten years

Yes, Jennifer has the right idea, you have to find a way to make yourself feel better after you wrongfully accuse someone and lock them away in federal prison where they will live every day worrying who is going to shank them from the front and back (HEYO!) Jokes aside, I’m not trying to lessen what she went through, rape is a horrible act to commit towards anyone and I feel for people who have TRUELY experienced that in life.

Forgiveness is hard, honestly I think it may be easier for one to forgive themselves than it is to forgive others so personally I think #11 should just be “How to Forgive” and address the idea of forgiving others and yourself. It takes a great deal of strength to forgive someone who has hurt you. I would consider myself a very forgiving person and that is not based off of my own ego but more so from people being surprised by my actions and explaining to me how their first instinct would not have been the same thing. We should all work on forgiveness, and to be honest it starts by truly trying to see the world from the other parties’ perspective and reflecting on what you did to upset them.

    #12, “How to Tell a Secret.”

Two can keep a secret if one of them is dead.

    #13, “Simple Ways to Look Polished.”

I feel like we somehow just jumped into a damn Cosmo article because it literally is a basics style guide for women that I will not share because it could have been written co-gender very easily but Adam Glassman, creative director for O obviously has no friends at GQ or Esquire or else he would have realized they write the same bullshit for men’s basic fashion too!

    #14 is, “How to Let Go of Anger.”

Anger is like a storm rising up from the bottom of your consciousness. When you feel it coming, turn your focus to your breath. Breathe in deeply to bring your mind home to your body. Then look at, or think of, the person triggering this emotion: With mindfulness, you can see that she is unhappy, that she is suffering. You can see her wrong perceptions. You can see that she is not beautiful when she says things that are unkind. You can also see that you don't want to be like her. You'll feel motivated by a desire to say or do something nice—to help the other person suffer less. This means compassionate energy has been born in your heart. And when compassion appears, anger is deleted.

—Thich Nhat Hanh, Buddhist monk and author of Anger: Wisdom for Cooling the Flames

I can’t even mock this one because I feel like it is spot on, I mean sure it sounds super granola peace and love for all but at least the focus is correct, She is not happy and you better find a way to make her happy because let’s face it guys, it’s always our fault.

    #15, “How to Say Goodbye to a Loved One.”

“Okay, Bye, I know you are going to call me in 5 minutes anyways so I’m leaving mom!”

    #16 is, “How to Know when to Quit.”

I can’t make heads or tails of this one because I swear it is contradicting its self so I am just going to quote it and maybe someone else will understand it. (Keep in mind it is 11:59 p.m. as I write this part.)

After my first book was published in 2000, I spent two and a half years writing a novel. But it never felt right. I didn't even name it—it was the poor, misshapen beast child I kept hidden under my bed. Then I showed it to my agent. "None of the things you do well are in evidence here," she said. I was devastated, then relieved: I had failed, and now I could stop. If you don't feel a shiver of excitement or fear, if there's no emotional risk involved, let it go (LET IT GOOO LET IT GOOO!). You can't discount how hard it will be to leave your bad marriage or stop writing your bad book, but if you're unhappy, nothing can get better as long as the status quo stays the status quo.

—Elissa Schappell, author of Blueprints for Building Better Girls

    #17, “How to Listen Better.”

Okay so listening, this is a hard one for so many of us and I feel like it has only become harder with the shortened attention span that social media has given us. (Don’t believe me, consider every video, status, and article you read now and really recall when was the last time it took you more than 5 minutes to get through any of those, beside this one of course.)

Attentive listening use to be a strong suit of mine and then I realized that I had acquired the lovely ability to use selective hearing (not a blessing gentlemen) which made my life a bit harder and as time has gone on I honestly can’t recall half of the things people talked to me about today. How do we overcome this, simple, we force ourselves. We put the phone away, make it silent, sit at a table with people, take turns expressing our pieces, bounce ideas around, ask for feedback, use non-verbal signs to express our interest and concern, and be part of a conversation.

Next time you are talking to someone take note on where your phone is, where their phone is, how many times you both look at them, where your feet are pointing, how both your bodies are situated, your tones, your actions, and see how much of it says, “I want to be here right now.” Once you have done all of this, take a course on Interpersonal Communication or at least google some concepts of it!

 

    #18 is, “How to Get Past Emotional Pain.”

Everything we experience—no matter how unpleasant—comes into our lives to teach us something. To move on from something difficult, look for the lesson. Start by asking yourself: "If this is the way things are supposed to be, what can I learn from it?" Think about how you may have contributed to the painful experience, or if there was anything you could have done to prevent it. Often we don't realize the lesson because we'd rather avoid reliving the pain. But once you allow yourself to reflect on the sadness, anger, guilt, or shame you've been hiding, those feelings will begin to subside. Yes, someone hurt you. Once you've forgiven them and let go, you can move forward and begin creating the life you desire.

—Iyanla Vanzant, host of OWN's Iyanla, Fix My Life

I can’t touch this one because I agree with it, everything we experience is supposed to teach us something and that is why they say, “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.” The phrase refers to emotional trials (majority of the time) although I am sure there are some physical pains that also apply.

    #19, “How to Buy Great Wine.”

If there are two things I don’t know it is Wine and Scotch. They both taste like bitter, dry, liquids to me that have the potential to get me drunk. I can stomach them both but when there is a choice, I would prefer almost anything else. There are certain occasions where a glass of wine is nice, now as for Scotch, fuck scotch, I will take a Gin if I want to act like I am higher glass than I am.

    #20, after all of this I can honestly say that I almost gave up and said screw getting to twenty but now that I can see it (and I literally didn’t read these in advance, I wrote them as I read them) I can say I am happy I stuck it out because this may be the most important on the list. “How to Laugh at Life.”

The tap water hits a spoon in the sink and sprays you. You pull a window shade and it just keeps going and going. You can't roll up a garden hose in any dignified way. You have to become a connoisseur of these events—“"Wow, look at that, that's great."” You have to hope that a higher power is saying, ”"That was a good one!"” And that you're sharing the divine pleasure it's taking in your misfortune.

—Ian Frazier, author of The Cursing Mommy's Book of Days

After seeing this and thinking back to how I started this blog post I have to laugh. I am going on about how I am stressing and forgetting to just enjoy life and not take it so damn seriously and then we work through all twenty of these and BOOM, the last one is re-iterating the idea that this whole thing began on. Sometimes you really do just have to laugh at Life.

To see the entire list travel on over to : http://www.oprah.com/spirit/20-Things-Everyone-Should-Master-by-Age-40/4

Thank you www.timlikestodraw.com for "letting" me use your image even though you have no idea I did so at the moment.