The History of: Me

    It has been roughly a month or so since I have posted a blog and there are a few reasons for that. I have been busy with the daily grind and focusing on a few new things but tonight I wanted to take some time to write an entry that I have been meaning to write for some time.

    When I was a junior in Highschool I joined the school newspaper and that is one of the key moments in my life where I realized that I really enjoyed writing. There was another key factor much earlier in life before this but I will write about that another time. Recently I was cleaning out my house and I stumbled across the self-summary I had to write for English class. This same English teacher was the head of the school paper. Below, is the exact essay written word for word and letter for letter that I submitted to that teacher as my first assignment.

Dear M. Ferris

    As a student I can be very odd and entertaining. I am usually a jokester inside and out of the class and try to keep a bit of humor in everything.

    I like to be treated fairly, as long as im not the example all the time i’m okay. Its easiest to get along with me in any way. I connect with interesting teachers and boring teachers I dont connect with.

    I dont like reading aloud because it goes slow, and presentations always cause that stomach churning feeling. Group work is something I avoid so im not stuck doing all the work. Writings great but sometimes there are points where you cant explain what you want too.

    I’m a fairly well writer if its fiction; non-fiction is to solid for me to write, it has form and facts and fiction is what you make it. My weakest skills in English is spelling and keeping my vocabulary use simple, both I would like improve on.

    Thinking of previous English classes I realise I only did bad when I did’nt respect the teacher, I felt that way towards Mrs.Sneed.

    I would like to accomplish a high grade in this class but evaluation is your choice. I’d rather not be judged by my ideas or outlooks because their so odd.

    I play guitar and draw and write, im also interested in being a movie writer or show writer or possibly an animator of my own show. I’m not a proud person because their just accomplishments and if it wase’nt you who did it then someone else would have.

    All you can really do to help me is keep things interesting, be open to odd ideas, and maybe repeat instructions because I have a tendency to tune out now and then. Question’s for you, do you run the school newspaper?

                      Sign your student for two six weeks,
                                                           James

I read over this self-summary now and think back to this time in my life and there are a few things I must address.

“I like to be treated fairly” ... WELL NO SHIT, WHO DOESN’T!

“Group work is something I avoid so im not stuck doing all the work. Writings great but sometimes there are points where you cant explain what you want too.” … HEY 16 YEAR OLD JAMES, STOP BEING A FUCKING DOORMAT AND MAKE OTHERS DO THEIR SHARE OF THE DAMN WORK, ALSO, LEARN TO WRITE YOU TWIT, MAYBE THEN YOU CAN “EXPLAIN WHAT YOU WANT!”

“I’m a fairly well writer if its fiction” … I WAS OBVIOUSLY STEVIE WONDER WHEN IT CAME TO RECOGNIZING MY SKILLS…BLIND!

“; non-fiction is to solid for me to write, it has form and facts and fiction is what you make it.” …WHY DID I TRY TO USE A SEMICOLON? Although not to toot my own horn this is the guy who wrote his completely factual final essay in 4 hours while stoned out of his mind for his Interpersonal Communication class in college and made a 97 on it.

 My weakest skills in English is spelling and keeping my vocabulary use simple, both I would like improve on.” …THE MOST ADVANCED WORD IN THIS ENTIRE ESSAY WAS “VOCABULARY” AND “ACCOMPLISHMENTS!” ONE CAN ALSO SEE THAT I WAS HORRIBLE AT USING PUNCTUATION!

“Thinking of previous English classes I realise I only did bad when I did’nt respect the teacher, I felt that way towards Mrs.Sneed.” … INSULTING OTHER TEACHERS, WAY TO GO DICK!

“I’d rather not be judged by my ideas or outlooks because their so odd.” … IDIOT, FUCKING IDIOT!

“I’m not a proud person because their just accomplishments and if it wase’nt you who did it then someone else would have.” …LOOK AT THE SELF-CONFIDENCE JUST POURING OUT OF THIS DUMBASS, WHY NOT BE THE PERSON WHO ACCOMPLISHED THE GOAL, YOU HAVE A RIGHT TO BE PROUD!

“All you can really do to help me is keep things interesting, be open to odd ideas, and maybe repeat instructions because I have a tendency to tune out now and then.” … I’M FAIRLY CERTAIN SHE HELPED ME MUCH MORE THAN I EVER STOPPED TO REALIZE.

    This brings me to my points, One, never be afraid to laugh at yourself, and two, there was no reason for this instructor to offer me a position in the school paper later on and granted I was eventually kicked out but that was for different reasons that I brought upon myself. I do remember that the last article I wrote for the paper was highly scrutinized and I was continuously questioned on the fact that I wrote it because it was so different from what I had been turning in. I never considered why I was interrogated so much about it until I found this and realized just how much my style of writing developed in that short time. I look back at this now and reflect on just how much of a dumb ass know-it-all I thought I was and laugh, but I also have drawn a great conclusion from it. There is no one in this world who is perfect, no one who cannot find something they can improve on, and if we can spare some patience on those people and help them see what it is we see in them, they maybe, just maybe they will develop into someone they are supposed to be.

 

 

Now & Then: Gatsby

    I enjoy a party as much as anyone else. There is a great deal of enjoyment in gathering people, mingling, and making new friends. In my past one could have considered me to be a young Gatsby. I would host parties for the simple reason of inviting over women that I had interest in with hopes of wooing them.  

    In my early twenties it was easy to get off of work at 10:30 (PM), grab a case of beer, some Boons-Farm, and invite all of my co-workers and friends over to party. I would give my roommate 15 minutes’ notice to get out of his PJ’s and spot clean the house. Within the hour we would have fifteen to thirty people over playing beer pong. There would be plenty of people smoking cigarettes on the porch and decent pop rock or top 40 playing on the lap top while everyone mingled. Usually a few hours in the roommate would end up on the roof with at least 2 other people while some drunken girl craving attention would have flashed her boobs at least 5 times by one o’clock.

    This method worked well for me and often led to me and some young lady in my room but I have never been a fan of the golden rule of sales…Always be closing. Almost always I would stop things before it went too far and while most guys would say this is dumb of me I honestly enjoyed knowing I have self-control and self-respect to not raise my number just because I could.

    Jump forward to 2015, I am now 26, living alone, single…again, and finally realizing the flaw in Gatsby’s master plan. Hosting booze fueled nights in hope of creating a relationship or connection of any form is a poorly laid out plan. It offers a great opportunity to catch all of the red flags but why even waste the time. I’m not saying that only bad things come from these situations, that is far from true, a great deal of amazing things happened on nights like this but it always had its flaws.

    Building a connection with a woman who is 5 beers and 4 shots in while she flashes the room will not lead me or many others to true happiness. These actions should be the writing on the wall that warn us of what we are about to get into. I am happy that I no longer find appeal in this Gatsby concept but also wish to pay my respect to what it has taught me. I learned that I have a great deal of self-control and that our intuitions and insight can save us from some really bad situations.

    I reflect on these nights and cherish that they are a part of my past. I hold memories of growing close to friends and a lover in these situations very close to my heart and often smile when I remember them. I will never forget the New Years that the roommate and I ended up in our birthday suits with glittery top hats over our junk while playing pong against each other. I will always cherish the Sunday cookouts with horse shoes and fajitas. I will always grow warm when I think back to my first surprise party thrown by someone who loved me even if the surprise was ruined. I know that I usually try to wrap these blogs up with some form of inspiration or call to action but not everything in our life has to be a step forward or a leap in a new directions, sometimes it is perfectly fine to stop, sit, and reflect on where we have been, instead of worrying about where we are going.

 

Introduction to: Wasted Youth

    I think I should give a little background as to how this blog came to be and why it is what it is. As of one year today I started my first big boy job. I stepped into corporate America; roughly 5 months ago I became newly single from a relationship that will always play a big factor in my life, and roughly some hour of January 1^st, 2015 I realized that I had let a great deal of my life pass me by.

    Hear me out, that is not to say that I wasted any number of years, No, most of it held great lessons for life. What I mean by “pass me by” is that I spent so much time trying to figure out how to grow up that I never stopped to be a young adult and truly do things that left me with those WTF stories.  

    Wasted Youth summarizes that exact view, those years from 18 to 26 where you live with a sense of little consequence because you feel invincible. I am not saying I don’t have any stories from those years, (I do, and I may share them sometime) but not as many as I should, and defiantly not as crazy as they should be.  Granted that doesn’t mean I plan to make up for those years by acting like a barbarian in life for the next few, but I did make a resolution to live every day to the best of my ability in 2015. Wasted Youth is meant to be a collection of thoughts and experiences that I have learned from my years of constant worry about how to grow up and be an adult and the new adventures I experience in life in the coming years. I want it to be something that makes people think and evaluate, something that makes them laugh and even cry. I honestly just wanted a way to share things with the world that maybe they weren’t seeing themselves.

    I spent my late teens trying to discover what was wrong with me and then again in my early twenties. I spent my early and mid-twenties wondering how to be an adult who could take care of himself and loved ones and someday provide for a family. I spent all of those years constantly wanting to know what I was supposed to do instead of finding it for myself. If you have ever felt lost or confused, ever questioned your purpose or just felt like an outcast than I hope that Wasted Youth can inspire you time and time again but if not, I hope that you take at least one little thing with you from it…Live Your Life!

 

 

Fantasy and Effect

    You walk into a dark cave with a cold draft; your only light is the torch you hold in your hand. You step slowly into the cavern and listen to your footsteps echo and in the distance you hear a faint dripping sound which may be your only salvation, water. The faint light illuminates the ground as you step forward and hear a large crunch; under your foot are the fragments of a human skull. You sense danger in the area which is confirmed by the sound of a deep growl ahead of you. The walls begin to taper in as you come to a small opening. You squeeze your arms in tight and begin to slide through the small crevice, the deeper you go the smaller your pathway gets. Your torch goes out but in the distance you see a small gleam, not a flicker but more like a small sliver of pure white light. You approach the light as it begins to grow in size. The walls of the cavern come into focus and the stone is a deep red color. You hear another growl and grow hesitant while making your way forward. The light begins to engulf you and burn your eyes as you step out of the cave and into an open field. The grass sways in the wind and the sun warms your skin for a brief moment before you notice a movement in the distance. You focus on the movement and notice it coming at you fast. It cuts to the left and then quickly jumps to the right trying to psych you out. You grasp at your weapon and draw it from its sheath but it is too late, you are now standing face to face with….YOUR LIFE!

 

    I know, a very odd opening but don’t worry because it is about to make sense. Today I want to talk to you all about FANTASY. I don’t mean fantasy fiction or fantasy creatures; no I mean the idea that so many of us live our lives dwelling in fucking fantasy worlds! You may be thinking that I am full of shit and that you spend no time in a fantasy but be honest, you do.

    Fantasy has taken on a great deal of forms in our world today. Many of us have basic ways to lose ourselves in fantasy worlds. Social Media has become the greatest fantasy to date. We wake up and spend so much time loosing ourselves in apps like Facebook or Twitter and quickly stop caring about the real world. We can argue that watching social media is an attempt to keep up with the real world and know what is happening in the world but what are we really doing? We are reading “articles” titled “25 moments that blankity blank did blanking blank” or stalking our ex’s and expressing our dislike for shit that really doesn’t matter. This is fine, I understand that we all need a break from the work day and I honestly should not complain because you most likely took a link from Facebook to even read this blog but there are so many people you see who live their lives on social media, glued to their phones and tablets, and never stop to look up and actually see the world right there around them. There is a great short film I find very inspiring about this whole issue by Gary Turk, if you haven’t seen it then I highly recommend you check it out here: http://youtu.be/Z7dLU6fk9QY  No seriously, go ahead, I’ll wait.

    I haven’t put it as elegantly as Turk but I do want to share the same message, we should live our lives and follow our dreams, quit worrying about posts and focus on sharing the big things, not with everyone and anyone but those we truly love and hope that in the end we can admire what we have done.

    With that being said, I can’t digress because there is still a great deal of fantasy to address. There are other forms of fantasy that keep us from moving and it’s because it offers an abundance of movies. Netflix and Hulu are two things that have given us so much control and yet such little free will, the power to pause and resume has killed our drive to seek out thrills. I love having my shows at the touch of a button but binge watching has become a speed bump in life. We tell ourselves just one more episode but then it becomes two, and three, and then four hours later you are starting season five and the day has gone by. We lose focus on the things that really matter and instead begin to wonder which character we would be if lost on an island. I know what you are thinking, there are plenty more fantasies than that, like Video Games, and Porn, and even Reddit. I could be doing more with my time, like cleaning my attic instead of playing Call of Duty like some kind of addict.

    I am not writing this to tell you all that we should stop using these things, not in the slightest. I understand that the real world can suck and often comes at us. What I hope to say is that we use these things to escape out problems. We hide ourselves in issues that don’t matter or games that distract us in order to not deal with the issues around us. We cannot avoid drama, nor can we hide from it so why don’t we step back from our fantasy and just take on the world and whatever it throws at us.

That Moment of Clarity-What I Got

    There are times when you have been dragged through the mud, kicked while you are down, spat on, and left to lay there in the pouring rain. When these moments occur in life it is hard to see the bright side of things, it is hard to appreciate who we are. Often, in these times or hardship, something right in front of us finally comes into focus and we can finally understand what it really means.

  I have recently had one of these epiphanies and it has really opened my eyes to a whole new idea. This may sound dumb to many of you or even pointless but in all honesty I never truly understood Sublimes, “What I got” until recently when things came together and the words became clear.

 

"Early in the morning, risin' to the street

Light me up that cigarette and I strap shoes on my feet

(This is truly how I feel every morning, this obligation to get up and go out although I would rather sleep just an hour more or kick back all day)

 

Got to find a reason, a reason things went wrong

Got to find a reason why my money's all gone

(I constantly find myself worrying if I am broke, and if I am, how I plan to survive the next week. I over analyze every little thing that happens to me as if it is the biggest failure in my life)

 

I got a dalmation, and I can still get high

 I can play the guitar like a mother fucking riot

(No truth here, I have a dog, Akita/Shepherd mix, and I suck at Guitar)

 Well, life is (too short), so love the one you got

 'Cause you might get runover or you might get shot

 Never start no static I just get it off my chest

 Never had to battle with no bulletproof vest

 Take a small example, take a tip from me

 Take all of your money, give it all to charity

 Love is what I got

 It's within my reach

 And the Sublime style's still straight from Long Beach

 It all comes back to you, you'll finally get what you deserve

 Try and test that you're bound to get served

 Love's what I got

 Don't start a riot

 You'll feel it when the dance gets hot

(The chorus, this is where it all finally makes sense to me. We have such a limited number of days to enjoy this world and none of us knows when that time is up or what will take us out but we can make the most of it and prolong it the most we can if we don’t stress, live every day to the fullest, and openly accept the world with love. Once we have lived our lives for ourselves and show compassion and love to others we create a brighter world and in doing so good fortune will fall back on us.)

 Lovin', is what I got, I said remember that

 Lovin', is what I got, I said remember that

 Lovin', is what I got, I said remember that

 Lovin', is what I got

 

 (That's) why I don't cry when my dog runs away

 I don't get angry at the bills I have to pay

(I don’t cry when Tazz gets out, I honestly trust him to come home once he gets tired of sniffing around and I know that in order to enjoy the things I do it will cost money, so why fret or get upset about it? Why curse at the bill collectors if you get hit with a late fee, you knew you had to pay it so shrug it off and keep going.)

 I don't get angry when my Mom smokes pot

 Hits the bottle and goes right to the rock

 Fuckin' and fightin', it's all the same

 Livin' with Louie dog's the only way to stay sane

 Let the lovin', let the lovin' come back to me

( I have nothing for this part, luckily my moms are both very straight laced people who don’t depend on toxins in order to feel well but as someone who does smoke and drink I must say that it is part of my young adult years so no reason to get mad at myself.)

 Lovin', is what I got, I said remember that

 Lovin', is what I got, I said remember that

 Lovin', is what I got, I said remember that

 Lovin', is what I got, I got I got I got 

    Now after that I am sure many of you are rolling your eyes because I am that late to the party or I sound like some hippie talking about living a care free lifestyle. Honestly, I am just trying to say that if we quit sweating the small stuff we can enjoy everything the world has to offer.

    When 2015 began I made a resolution to live every day to the fullest and be there for those who truly want me around. It is now February 4^th and I can honestly say that I have kept up with this resolution and experienced some very crazy nights, some oddly inappropriate nights, and even nights of pure relaxation. I have spent more time with family and friends than I have in the past and have even taken on new goals. What I am trying to say is if you share happiness, respect, and love with the world, good things will happen, you just have to know how to accept them.

    Also, just in case reading the lyrics weren’t enough hit the link below and enjoy…or hell, just turn your damn IPod on because we all have this song!

http://youtu.be/0Uc3ZrmhDN4

 

 

Elders and Knowledge

  





  Sitting here tonight, alone on what it a chilly and dark night that follows a day full of rain, drinking water, yes water and I am thinking about a conversation I had with my Grand Ma earlier. It was just a quick exchange about nothing important but it got me thinking. There will come a day where you will realize that one of your grandparents is somewhat of a smartass. After that you will start to remember growing up with them and recall some great things. That is what I did tonight, and it got me thinking about all of my grandparents.

    I was lucky enough to have more than the standard 4 grandparents in my life, somehow I managed to meet end up with seven grandparents and each of them was a character in their own way. I wanted to take a moment to recognize them and just share some memories I have with them and of them.

Grandpa T:

    Of all of my grandparents this is the only one I never got to know. It wasn’t because I didn’t want to; if anything he intrigues me the most because he passed before I even existed. I remember this picture of him sitting on this hutch in Grandma T’s place. He looked a great deal like my dad but with longer hair in the picture. I never really get to hear stories about him but from the few I have I get the impression that he was a hardworking man. Honestly the most I have ever heard about him is that he once operated a gas station and that back in those days you could only get gas on certain days because it was regulated by the government during wartime and your license plate determined which days you could pump. I imagine if my dad is anything like his father then that must be where his dedication to prove comes from.

Grandma T:

    I knew Grandma T for most of my childhood. She passed when I was twenty if I recall correctly. She was always stern while I was growing up. She wasn’t a fan of horseplay but she was still a caretaker. She would always offer you something to drink and to help with anything you did when you were over. I remember she always had a bowl of peanut M&M’s by her kitchen and when the grandkids came over those things were like gold! We never really thanked her for having those; I guess we just always expected them to be there. I think her passing has really taken a toll on the family dynamic, we use to gather at least 3 to 4 times a year back then and now it seems like we only come together once a year and in fractured groups. I never really understood her sternness when I was younger but now I look back and realize she was the kind of woman who survived through some hard times and had to be a strong woman to do so; especially with 7 kids.

Grandma K and Grandpa K:

    These two amaze me constantly; there are few people in the world who are as open and caring as these two. I honestly cannot say I have met many people who have opened their home to complete strangers and treated them like part of the family. These two embody that old married couple so well and to see all of the friends and family they have made over the years is just amazing. I would love to read a book written by these two of just everything they have experienced to this day. It is a shame I have not got to be as close to these two as my sisters have but I am happy to have them in my life as such positive role models.

Grandpa V:

    This is another grandparent I barely got to know but I did for a bit whenever I saw him. My mother says I really don’t know him but honestly I feel like I have a great deal of his genes in me. He always seemed like the free-living, think outside of the box kind of guy and I pride myself on being able to do that so well. I’m not sure how judgmental he was but I would like to think my liberal views may stem some from him. He was a pack rat which I can defiantly say has been a task for me to overcome in life, but eventually you have to tell yourself that you don’t  need the token as long as you have the memory.

Grandma B:

    This would be the grandparent I am the closes to and the one who got me thinking about all of this. I said earlier, there will be a day when you realize one of your grandparents is a smartass. I’m not saying she is a direct and belligerent smartass, but she definitely has a way with words and the ability to hold her own. I remember being younger and staying over at her place every so often. We would always watch Nick-at-Night and eat slices of cheese and apples while watching I Love Lucy. This may be where my love of cheese comes from, thanks Granny; I’ll have horrible cholesterol forever now. As I grew older I did what most people do, pulled away from family and thought I knew everything about life. When I was 18-20, Grandma V, my mom, and I all lived in a house and I started to grow closer to her again. Now that I am 26 I can honestly say I have had some very odd and interesting conversations with her about everything, life, love, and family. I gotta say that I wouldn’t trade her for the world.

Grandpa B:

    Grandpa B was a grandparent that I wish I had not been so afraid of. When I was younger I remember him taking my cousin and I to Dairy Queen and buying us ice cream while he caught up with his buddies. He was also a stern type and a little set in his ways but all around he was good with me. I wish I had got to know him better, when he passed I found his old briefcase filled with cards from co-workers wishing him to get better soon and happy birthdays. Some of the things I read in those cards made me wonder if I had ever really knew the true Grand-dad-B. I always loved playing on his boat and messing around in his vegetable garden. I often get the urge to garden myself but never follow through because I have such a horrible green thumb. On my 26^th birthday I rented a boat and went out on Joe Pool Lake, for some reason the open air on that lake and the trees all around it just felt right to me, I wonder if playing on his boat as a kid made it all feel like second nature. Some Sundays, he would fry catfish for dinner and honestly I haven’t had a piece of fried catfish that good since.

    Thinking about this makes me wonder if we take our time with our loved ones for granted, and if we ever really stop to listen to our elders and take in the knowledge of life that they have to offer. When you really stop think about it, they have been through everything we have and made it through alive, and hell they had to do it without cell-phones, facebook, and prescription drugs for almost every ailment. Maybe we should sit down and listen for a bit, take something in, and see if we don’t walk away with a new life lesson. I invite any and all of you to write about your grandparents too and to feel free to post it down on the comment box, or e-mail me, or even on the facebook post.