Lessons Learned From Reality TV

    The last time I wrote something here I mentioned what this blog should be and today I am going to attempt to meet that challenge by sharing a recent story. This story takes place not long ago in a galaxy very, very close; this galaxy to be exact. 

    In the fall of 2017 I found myself sitting at home one night, alone, sad, and exhausted. I wasn’t physically exhausted but instead, mentally. I was worn out from the psychological torment of the swipe game. If you are not sure what the swipe game is then either you’re not single, or you don’t understand technology. The swipe game is the action of swiping left and right on potential people to connect with and potentially date and slash or screw. It’s the new age of dating people. 

    On this fall night I had decided that I was done swiping and trying to connect with people through my phone when there was no initial hormonal connection, you know  the exchange of oxytocin and vasopressin. I decided it was time to do something drastic that would change my life forever, so guess what I did! No, I did not find a hooker...sorry “escort” off of back pages, I decided to apply for a reality television show for the second time in my life. The first time really isn’t important to this story but it was Hell’s Kitchen when I was 22. This time I applied for one of those shows based around love, I won’t state which one because I may still be contractually obligated not to talk about it, I’m not entirely sure, but the general concept of the show would have resulted in me being legally wed to a stranger. 

    Applying for this process was long and required months of evaluations and interviews but as that time went on I slowly came closer and closer to the final casting decision which was more exciting than it was nerve wracking. I know, this idea sounds crazy, and it probably was but as I moved through this process I began to learn more about myself than I ever expected to. 

    The first thing I learned is that balance is incredibly important in all aspects of life. Everything you do should be in balance. Your diet, your vices, your obligations, and your adventures. We currently live in a world where we are constantly shown images and ideas and told to listen, and many of us do listen, before we even think for our self. Think about your Instagram feed and who you follow, it probably has nutrition information, workout guru’s, and adventure capitalists all over it which is great because it is inspiring, but, it’s also an extreme. It shows you all of these specific focuses that become polarizing. Your Facebook feed obviously does the same. When I was going through this process for this show I had to reflect a great deal and I quickly learned that I made excuses for my vices and they were far from balanced. Once I realized this I quickly tried to over correct and drop all of them which was just as horrible. Luckily in the last month or so I found balance. Drink, but know when you need to stop or what nights you shouldn’t. Smoking, it’s horrible for you, but the occasional cigarette is not going to cause you to drop dead. I also found this balance in my responsibilities, discovering that some days you have to put in the hours at work but it’s just as important to put some hours into fun and relaxation. 

    Another big lesson I learned was one that I wish I had learned many years ago. I had heard this one hundreds of times but never really took it to heart until lately. You can’t love someone until you love yourself. It sounds stupid right, I’m sure we have all loved someone before and didn’t really know if we loved our self or not. Well here is the catch, you can be in love with someone and not love yourself, odds are you love that person because they embody characteristics you wish that you had which is fine, it’s called admiration. The saying, “you can’t love someone until you love yourself” really means that you cannot properly love someone and respect them unless you love and respect yourself. If you have no respect for yourself then you have no problem letting others walk all over you which means you probably will not stand up for yourself which is a sign that you lack confidence. How can you be expected to protect, or stand up for, or even understand someone if you are unable to do those things for yourself. Again, in this process I spent great sums of time having to analyze myself and in doing so I began to realize what by best qualities were and in what areas I could use work. This allowed for me to learn to love myself for my quirky and dark sense of humor, my skills of reasoning and sensibility, and my warm heart that I have a tendency to hide from people. It also allowed me to see that I need to work on being a leader for myself so that I don’t stagnate in one place. 

    These are just two examples of things that I learned but most of the lessons fall right in line with these two ideas. I want to urge you, the person reading this now, to sit down and really reflect and analyze yourself. Find a quiet place and write out your answers to the hard questions you want to ask yourself. If you can’t figure out what to ask yourself then do some role-playing and write out the questions you would want to be asked by your dream date and if playing make believe is hard for you then ask a good friend to help you out by being your interviewer, you may be surprised by what you learn about that person in the mirror. 

What This Blog Should Be...

It has been a few years since I have written anything for this blog. When I started it my goal was to write about my life and journey to make up for the lost time of my life from the four years previous. I had hoped it would be a tale of debauchery and drunken idiocy, something equivalent to that of Tucker Max or Hank Moody. It was nothing like that, instead, the pendulum swung the other direction. I spent the past few years growing more than I ever would have expected. 

I had this idea that since I was in a committed relationship from the age of 21 to 25 that I had let a great deal of the those crazy moments escape me and it was time to catch up, so while some of my closest friends were having kids or getting divorced, I wanted to try psychedelic mushrooms or sleep with a multitude of loose women. I was fresh out of a breakup that was not my choice so I obviously was not in my right mind. I started by spending most nights drunk. Actually, it was every night. If I was not out with a friend in Dallas then I was sitting in a dive bar drinking with 50 year old addicts and failures. I would drink enough to get to sleep at night and go into work hung over every morning. I nearly lost my job over it. This probably sounds depressing or pitiful, and it was, but the truth is, I would not trade those days for anything.

It was those days that led me to meeting new people and those new people who gave me reasons to drink in high spirits instead of low. I spent the next few months, no, years re-learning who I was and began to love myself. The stories that I thought I would write in this blog all changed. I was living life but the stories were not about sowing my oats or destroying myself, instead they are about appreciating who I am, growing as a person, and learning to love myself. I have not written any of those stories here because I quickly realized that my story is not the same as someone else’s. I have kept most of those stories to myself because they were the exact opposite of what this blog was supposed to be but now, I look back and realize that those were the stories I should have told, the only problem is that no matter how I tell them, you would not understand them unless you live them yourself. 

What I can say is this, never look at a decision you have made and see it as a mistake. Don’t regret those past relationship or choices. Don’t regret what you did on a whim. It is those decisions that can shape your life, it is those decisions that could take you from drinking yourself to sleep, to sleeping soundly knowing you are appreciated and loved.

Tales from the Mythos

      Many have uttered the name of this mythical realm; some swear to even have their mail sent there. Located somewhere between the Matrix and Oz but adjacent to Never Land is a lonely and dark desert where its inhabitants roam looking for that single oasis. Much like Never Land its residents never grow up and live with sore wrists. I am speaking of course of The Friend Zone. Thousands of men have used the term Friend-zone and possibly just as many women but with a different context. I decided to explore this vast wasteland of anger and pent up sexual frustration in hopes of discovering the truth.

      I began my journey like any explorer would, by hearing about it through myth and legends spoken in low voices in dark places where the spirits were dismal and flowing, the place that mind gathered and discussed the bigger things in life, I’m talking of course of Facebook. It was there that I noticed the writing on the wall, “One does not simply escape the friend zone.” I found this peculiar because in all of my travels I had heard of this land many times but never saw it with my own eyes.

     

     I quickly delved deeper into this mystery and turned to the treasure that it the writings of the prophets amassed into one tome called Wikipedia which explained, “The friend zone, in popular culture, refers to a platonic relationship wherein one person wishes to enter into a romantic or sexual relationship, while the other does not. It is generally considered to be an undesirable or dreaded situation by the lovelorn person.” This sounded like some form of curse inflicted on bright eyed and love stricken warriors who had fallen victim to Aphrodite or the sting of cupids’ arrow.  I feared for my safety but knew I had to continue on, not just for myself but for these poor hopeless souls that had been lost to this trickery.

      I set sail in search of someone who has seen this land with their own eyes had it been someone who has wandered this lost plane of existence or even some magical deviant who had sent defenseless souls there. After a long voyage through The Google Sea I came across a clump of islands and docked in a small cove and began the trek across the sands and into the woods towards a column of smoke in the distance. I hacked my way through the forest while wondering what perils and surprises lay before me and with one final swing of my machete I found the source of the smoke, a rather large bon-fire in the middle of a cozy mud-hut village. I approached cautiously with my blade in hand but was taken by surprise when a gaggle of sheep run up on me and before I could swing they began to change before my very eyes. I stood there mesmerized as the sheep began to grow in size and take on familiar forms, they began to rise up onto two feet and stretch out long nimble arms, these sheep were no ordinary sheep, they appeared to be people, or possibly some form of hybrid, some form of…Sheeple.

      In front of me stood two women of this tribal flock and I quickly asked, “What is this place, what are these islands I have landed upon?” The first woman looked at her friend and then back to me and explained that she was Krystie Lee Yandoli and her associate was Tracy Clayton and I had landed my ship on the islands of Buzzfeed, named so for the gossipy hum and constant consuming of everything possible by the inhabitants. I explained my quest to these two women and when they offered me some insight. Krystie quoted the words a world famous wizard known as Daniel Radcliffe to me, ‘“Friend-zoning is a terrible thing. The idea of a friend zone is like a terrible, male… have you ever heard a girl say she’s in the friend zone? It’s a thing I think men need to be really careful about using… I definitely think the idea of friend zone is just men going, ‘This woman won’t have sex with me.’” I found this odd and twisted, and Tracy’s adage helped little, ‘“I also love it when this happens because I feel like privileged people are more likely to be heard in general, so when they speak about privilege there’s a better chance that the people who need to hear the message will actually hear it and maybe receive it.”’

      Surely this was lunacy, how could one of the world’s most famous wizards know of the friend-zone, who in their right mind would reject the powerful and mystical Daniel, even without his magic he had money and talent enough to make any women swoon. That is when it occurred to me; maybe no woman had been put in the friend-zone before, could it be that this plain of existence was only reachable by being banished there by a witch? I had to know more, I had to discover the secrets these hags knew!

      I sat down by the fire with them both and began to take in their knowledge and reading through their notes. They went back and forth telling me stories of the advances men had made towards them, how these men would present them with flowers and fermented beverage and then expect entrance into her most holy of grails. They explained how society had even chastised them for taunting and tempting these men when they simply enjoyed the company they offered and wanted nothing more.

       In the distance I could see the gleam of the suns eye just peaking over the horizon when Tracy stopped me in my tracks by saying, “Rape culture made the construction of the friend zone possible. Rape culture strips a woman of her right to consent, and it punishes her when she dares take control of her body, and the friend zone does the same thing. They’re both built on the premise that in the face of a man’s will, a woman should never say no.” I was truly stunned; it was all starting to make sense. These women were no hags or witches; they were simply defenders doing all they could to keep their castles from being penetrated. Their provinces had no qualm about creating alliances and opening their gates to those who wished to assist but once their friends became their aggressors they had to find a way to banish thee!

      I knew what had to be done, I thanked the women for their information and made haste back to my vessel, the only way to stop this madness was to lock the gates of The Friend-Zone and make sure no soul could escape once banished there. I cut my ship free from its restraint and set sail, uncertain of where I was going but driven with fury. I sailed across the ocean, seconds turned into minutes, minutes into cups of coffee, and coffee into business calls, but finally I came to a ship graveyard.  I sailed towards shore through the wreckage and fragments of pas voyages. Masts pointed towards the sky from beneath the abyss and hulls rotted into piles of driftwood. I could feel it in my bones that I had arrived.

      My ship hit land with a hard thud and I was thrown forward and into the soupy sand. I stood up and tried to brush it off of my sleeves and pantaloons but it was sticky and only seamed to spread into the fabrics the more I rubbed. I glanced around me and could only see the dark mountain ridge before me, there appeared to be only one way to go, over it. I began my climb up the mountain stopping every so often to catch my breath or rest my arms but I finally made it, I had made it to the mountain top and unlike what others have said, it was not glorious, the view was not beautiful, no, instead it looked down into a dark desert where black specs seemed to dredge across it. This was defiantly it; this was The Friend-Zone.

       I camped at the top of the mountain and regained my strength in order to prepare for what was to come knowing all too well that it would not be pretty. When the morning came I made my descent and came to the edge of the desert but I was not alone, I was greeted by many shambling creatures that walked aimlessly while moaning and groaning. I began to move slowly past them when one noticed me and with a deep grunt alerted the other creatures. I drew my machete and a smaller hunting knife from my boot and began to run through the wasteland. One of those blasted creates grabbed my pack and I quickly spun around and lobbed off its arm but I wasn’t quick enough, the horde was starting to gain on me. I began to hack and slash at them all, cutting one’s torso, slicing off the fingers of another, slowly moving forward, stabbing one in the skull with the hunting knife, running another through with the machete. These demons kept coming and I was growing tired when I noticed a stone structure near to the north. I lifted my boot and kicked one of the plagued down into the sand and tore off towards the building, kicking up sand behind me.

      I crashed into the door and tore it open, slamming it behind me just barely in time. I could hear the monsters beating on the outside of it, moaning, groaning, it was pitiful. I took a deep breath and looked around in the dark before reaching for my lighter. I patted my pockets but before I could pull it out a lamp ignited in the corner and a man stood there grinning at me. I stared at him and sized him up; it took all of two seconds to realize he was no threat. “What are those things,” I asked?

      The man chuckled, “They are no different than you or I they are just unfortunate.” What the hell did he mean by that, they were very different from him and I, neither of us were groaning sacks grabbing for anything that moved…shit, it hit me, “Their men aren’t they?” The man nodded and lit another lamp before sitting down. I sat down across from him and he told me his tale. He was Michael Kimmel, the Director of the Center for the Study of Men and Masculinities and he had sought out this land for his research. I then told him of my journey, how I had heard the myths and met the Sheeple of Buzzfeed  who opened my eyes to the evil of men and how I had come to lock the gates of The Friend-Zone once and for all to prevent these sick men from getting free and endangering the women who sent them here.

     “HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAaaa,” Kimmel laughed.

     “What’s so damn funny?” I asked.

     “There is no gate to The Friend-Zone that can be locked, no magic portal that just spits these men out here.”

     I scowled; he was obviously trying to stop me from completing my quest. “What do you mean there is no gate, these men have to get here somehow!”

     “The friend zone is an extension of constrained gender norms and the need to constantly perform masculinity in front of other men. If you grow up learning that sex is adversarial — he chases, she is pursued; he gets, she gives — then how do you deal with what amounts to relegation to the losers' bracket? The friend zone is thus ‘"face-saving."’ Explained Kimmel

      It hit me like a ton of bricks, the final piece to the puzzle that made the picture clear. The Friend-Zone wasn’t a magical plane of existence created to be a prison for men, it wasn’t created by women as a way to punish men or keep them away, it was a state of mind created by men to protect their frail egos from being shattered like eggs on a rock. Each and every one of them has put themselves there by being unable to accept their short comings and instead created a false concept that blames the woman instead of owning their own issues. These men outside of the hut were walking around like zombies to the average person but in their own heads they were seeing visions of grandeur and power. They didn’t need someone to lock the gate and throw away the key, they need someone to wake them up and show them that it is ok to be rejected, and that it is perfectly fine to be friends with the opposite sex without there having to be an expectation of more. They needed someone to guide them and explain to them how to be their best selves and to truly love who they are before expecting any woman to want them.

     I shook Kimmel’s hand and encouraged him to continue with his research before stepping back to the door and pulling it open with one thrust. Bright light shone through the opening and blinded my eyes as I stepped through the portcullis and into the desert…or so I thought.

References:

Buzzfeed: Why the Friend Zone is Actually Dangerous for Women.

Written by: Krystie Lee Yandoli, Tracy Clayton, and Julia Pugachevskt

http://www.buzzfeed.com/krystieyandoli/why-the-friend-zone-is-actually-dangerous-for-women#.af9KeG9Vo

Salon: Reasons the Friend Zone Needs to Die.

Written by: EJ Dickson

http://www.salon.com/2013/10/12/6_reasons_the_friend_zone_needs_to_die/

Mic: It’s Not the Friends Zone Guys it’s you.

Written by Elizabeth Plank

http://mic.com/articles/115122/it-s-not-the-friend-zone-guys-it-s-you#.5nCKs3xmb

WikiHow: Escape the Friend Zone

http://www.wikihow.com/Escape-the-Friend-Zone

Wikipedia: Friend Zone

Written by: Who the hell knows.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Friend_zone

Why Ashley Madison is Ruining Your Life.

    You can’t escape it, and be honest a part of you probably doesn’t want to escape you. You may have even come across this because you were planning to dive deeper into it. Ashley Madison is everywhere right now and everyone wants to know the dirty little secret their not in on. Is your better half not any better, is your religious figure head seeking a side of sin, or maybe your local newsman is making their own headlines.

    I have news for you, we have all fallen victim to the Ashley Madison hack, yes, all of us! Your kids have also fallen victim to it and even our elders! I don’t mean that everyone has signed up for Ashley Madison and been found lusting for some strange, what I mean is it is affecting all of our lives. It is on every radio and news outlet across the U.S and it is tearing apart good and wholesome families like the Duggars! I’m sorry you can’t see the smart-ass grin on my face when I type that but just imagine that it is there.

    First, let us all understand something, depending on which site you use to check your e-mail addresses will depend on if you were “compromised” or not. I would highly suggest you avoid Trustify.info because it is hoping to sell you a service that will hide your leaked information but it will contact every e-mail address you plug in and of the four addresses of mine I could remember using since the Internet came out all four were “compromised.” Let me clarify, I wouldn’t doubt that hormonal driven 13 year old me would have signed up for something like this even though I had no credit card, but I am also certain Ashley Madison did not exist when I was 13.

    That being said, when I used the site: 

https://ashley.cynic.al/

    None of those 4 e-mail addresses were found and there were no e-mails coming to me to report that they had been tested along with no products to buy. Allow me to summarize this point, since people love their privacy so much someone has decided to take advantage of this hack and use it as a business opportunity to scare all of the sheeple into spending money. This is how most of us have been affected by this Hack.

    Second, your poor children and elders are now confused as to why the middle generation is running around in fear of some lady named Ashley Madison. The children now equate her to being the Boogie-man’s wife and the elders assume she is running for president on a democratic stance that will turn American into a communist nation. In all seriousness, children are not dumb and they are going to ask you what Ashley Madison is so be ready to lie and just tell them it’s daddy or mommy’s work friend. The elders are going to lecture you all about how in their day they didn’t need a website to cheat; they just waited till the other one went to war. Either way we are all stuck listening to the stupid repeated news coverage of this stupid story.

    The best part of all of this though is how many people are so surprised and shocked by it. People are upside down about the idea that 40 million people have signed up for this site and had their information shared. Out of the United States 321,569,738…9…740 shit it will not stop going up and I know one of those people who were just born… ok sorry back on point, of the U.S’s  population that is roughly 8% of the population who signed up for this site. Keep in mind, that doesn’t consider people who are under-age or not online. 8% big deal, the real problem is that people are so afraid to admit who they really are in fear of being judged

.

    We all have our kinks, our perversions, and our twist of lemon in our tea. People are freaking out because they don’t want to be labeled a cheater or sinner or a kink. We are all so focused on putting on this mask that makes us look clean that we forget that we all have stains on our clothes and if anyone wants to judge you on the fact that you accept how you want to enjoy your life then they are probably guilty of something the same or possibly just as “dirty.” I’m not saying we accept every perversion, I’m not condoning things that guys like Dahmer, Bundy, or Fogle do; there are lines, but what does it matter that someone is trying to extort you for money because you cheated, you knew your marriage was shit, you had all right to seek outside help in any form, and you should own the choice you made. Then again, maybe you’re mad because someone took away your decision to fess up or not.

    P.S. the views and ideas expressed in this article are simply comedic satire based off one man’s opinion who could give two shits how you live your life as long as you understand you have no room to judge anyone else you dirty dirty piece of shit.

    P.P.S really, we shouldn’t judge each other anyway, all that does it create un-needed hatred. 

Poetry I wrote

Nick & Sam's: A Dallas Steak House

    After a long time I finally scrounged around for some money in all of the couch cushions and car cup holders and decided to grab a bite at a restaurant I had never tried. The lucky winner was Nick & Sam’s off of Maple Avenue in Dallas. I was meeting friends there for a small celebration of potential life but that does not apply to this review.

    Nick & Sam’s is your typical Uptown restaurant, its hip, its modern, it pays homage to the classics, and it requires you to valet park. Congratulations and thank you to the Nick & Sam’s valet team, it is not often you get to drive a 2007 Honda Civic with a missing wheel cover and 3 inches of dirt on it but you did well and took great care of her! Upon entering Nick & Sam’s I was quickly confused by the sight, to my left there appeared to be a cocktail area but it was hard to tell with everyone standing in masses with glasses in their hands. I quickly confirmed that it was a wine bar and behind that where I met my party was the bar and what must have been the cocktail area.

    We stood there between the two rooms trapped in what Limbo must be like; to our left was a dark but cool colored room that was overly crowded but very active, much like I imagine hell. Left of us, was a warm and open waiting area with community tables that were basically standing room only and wine selections covering the walls. I imagine this is what it would be like to get into heaven, waiting for Saint Peter to call your name while you admire the offerings but cannot touch. Also there were busty women in cocktail dresses moving back and forth between the rooms but let’s be honest, both heaven and hell will have its fair share of breasts.

    After a twenty minute wait we were lead back into another dining room, one that was very large with lovely arched ceilings and beautiful crisp lighting. It looked into the kitchen where all of the magic happens and I must say this truly did give one the feeling of heaven on earth, but much like any euphoric feeling of bliss it quickly passed as I flew to close to the sun and landed in the back dining room that resembled a modern take on a New York steak house; Warm woods, its own private bar and plenty of interesting art on the walls. I should mention this; all of the art in Nick & Sam’s is created by independent artists and if I remember correctly, for sale. This room reminded me of everything I ever wanted in my own bar back when I was bright eyed, bushy tailed, and 21.

    Behind us was the entrance to another private dining room with a long community table that was styled very much like our own. After settling in our server came to the table, I am uncertain what his name is now but he could very well be the son of Thomas F. Wilson, you know, Biff from Back to the Future, but only more lanky. He greeted us and gave us the typical script that every 5 star restaurant gives you, especially when they are about to impregnate you with their food child for the first time.

    Okay enough about the décor and atmosphere, let’s talk about the food. They started us off with a complimentary plate of caviar with onions, chives, some whipped egg whites, and some other stuff on the side. I personally had never tried caviar because I missed that day in culinary school and was easily convinced that now was the time because it is not often that someone lays down a plate of fish roe in front of you for free. I waited for two of my companions to try it first, the one to my left swallowed and stated that caviar has been over hyped and he was not impressed. His younger brother to my right explained how he was in fact, wrong, and that it was very delicious. I scooped a bit onto a toast point and tossed it back in order to be tie settler and was very surprised, I mean who pays that kind of money to eat what taste like dirt from the bottom of a lake? There is nothing appetizing or appealing to caviar, it is simply a status symbol of food and a waste of time and chewing muscles! From there, I opened the menu to decide what to have and was quickly lost in the wine list, not because it was first in the menu but because I had managed to miss the food entirely and end up in the cabernets. While scanning the wine list I noticed that they did not offer a 2015 Franzia or Barefoot cabernet from Sonoma County so I decided to settle for a Zinfandel but still could not manage to find one I was familiar with. We decided to settle for something else.

   

    Moving on, my three companions ordered salads while I had a Jim Beam and Coke along with a glass of Malbec that had come from the bottle we ordered for the table. I must say that Las Perdices 2013 Malbec is really opened up in flavor when paired with Jim Beam; it releases the earthy tones more and makes it a much smoother taste than the Malbec normally has. The salads came out and I was taken aback, for the cost I would expect to not have to cut my own Caesar salad! I will admit that the mozzarella and beefsteak tomatoes with basil, or as most would call it Caprese salad, did come out looking like art on a plate. It was vibrant and had depth and looked very appetizing. 

    After or salads, and alcohol, Biff returned to the table to explain the steak cuts to us using a large ceramic tray displaying each cut in its raw form.  The tomahawk cut looked amazing but how would I manage to get that bone home for my canine companion without wrapping it up in a napkin and sticking it in my back pocket. I decided to go with an off menu cut that Biff said was a Kentucky style although it tasted much more like Kansas to me. The cut was thick and had a great marbling of fat on the edges which is something you like to see when you are spending more on one meal than you do on a week of groceries. When the steak came out I was hungry and very happy to fill my stomach with what had to be five times the daily suggested amount of protein but I will say this, when you are cooking a steak that thick it requires so much work to get the internal temperature high enough to make it safe that you have to obliterate the outside and that is exactly what happened. The exterior tasted more like crispy ash than it did steak and although the inside made up for that by being pink and juicy it makes me question why high end places choose to cut so thick and fail to season. I would have happily devoured a steak half the thickness with a more even cook and plenty of flavors for a fraction of the price less but this wasn’t Outback.

    The sides were phenomenal, the sautéed broccoli was perfectly cooked, the garlic mashed potatoes were smooth and creamy, although lacking in garlic, the mac was warm and flavorful, but the “Damn Good” fries are being over sold. I will say it again, do not trust the “Damn Good” part of the fries because they are simply fries, warm and crispy, made in house, fries. There is nothing that makes them great let alone damn good, the proper name should be mediocre fries or maybe even, “Just Fries.”

    After splitting the check three ways and tipping, you should always tip, we made our way out when a flashing puff of cotton candy caught my eye. I don’t even want to know why they serve edible storm clouds but the idea seems cool. My party stepped out of the doors and waited for out vehicles and I quickly thought to myself just how nice the night was even though it was outside of my standard price range and it’s steaks and sides could easily be replicated at home for a fraction of the price. I reminded myself that we don’t go out just for the food, but for the memories and experience and that Nick & Sam’s was just that, a place to have an experience and make some memories. As my car pulled up I was also reminded of the ten I found in the couch cushion and handed it to the valet before hopping back into my filthy Civic and driving off down Maple Avenue with my axel screeching and an empty pocket reminding me that it would probably be another year before Yelp ever saw another review from me…

    To summarize, Nick & Sam’s is a modern take on the old school New York steak house with the typical high prices you pay when going out to experience the atmosphere and satiate your appetite. I would suggest going if you can afford such places and/or are celebrating a big occasion like an engagement. If you think that Red Lobster is fancy then this is not the place for you, but don’t let that deter you from trying it. I would give Nick and Sam’s an overall 4 stars because it is an interesting place that caters to the upper class of the Dallas/Fort Worth metroplex. 

Shopping: A Poem

James Thornquist

8-11-15

7:14am

If we are all so into window shopping then maybe that explains the exchange policy.

Put me in the back on the clearance wrack because I’m tattered, torn and full of holes.

Festivities!

I think Mexicans know how to celebrate a holiday better than any other nationality. This isn’t racist if anything it is a compliment and if you are one of those, “Learn English this is A’merica” types then I feel pity for you for not having a close Mexican friend to invite you to holidays. Mexicans always have plenty of food and everyone seems happy just to be there. When you walk in someone instantly proclaims who you are and lays ownership to you in some way like you are one of their own. At least once in the night someone will quietly offer you something in a very hesitant manner as if they are afraid to offend you and worry that you are not cool enough to hang. Fuck yea, let’s take some tequila shots and pound a few beers, I’m game! They don’t even have to have presents and somehow they are happy.

I’ve never really been to a black household holiday but I imagine it has great food but a lot of drama; then again maybe that is what Hollywood has led me to believe. I always got the feeling that white friends weren’t invited to Christmas or Kwanzaa at the Jones house-hold. White holidays are boring compared to both. It’s a bunch of women hugging you and asking how you have been and a bunch of men shaking your hand and saying your name. Everyone is catching up and waiting for the big moment of presents and food so they can get back home and go back to sleep after being deprived of it due to the simple fact that we lie to our children about fat home invaders coming in to leave toys and eat cookies.

I will say this though; Mexican families are very odd about a girl turning fifteen. You dress her up like a princess and everyone dances and drinks because she is now a woman…or is that a bar mitzvah? Either way it only leads me to believe that you spent time and money on this big fairy tale like celebration as a way to say she is ready to pop out kids and that it is all down-hill from here. Don’t get offended I’m just letting you know what the implication is since no one takes the time to translate the history of it all for us ignorant Gringos.

I really couldn’t address other races holiday traditions because I’ve never had an Italian friend or been invited to Chinese New Year, and don’t think this whole thing is just some way to race-bait you into arguing because I took a fair amount of time addressing and insulting each race appropriately in this little write up. I enjoy Mexican holiday celebrations, there are few other celebration types I enjoy other than maybe the red neck holiday but then again they are rather similar: food, family, alcohol, and doing something stupid! 

P.S.- I want to thank everyone who has been reading and enjoying my work. Wasted Youth has hit 1000 page views which really seems numerous when I think back to how this all started in February or something like that. I would still love to hear more feedback from you, the reader, but I won't beg. I hope you continue to enjoy my odd, cynical, and mostly skewed views on things and would love suggestions for topics or ideas of what else you would like to see. Keep in mind I have done some fiction writing and try to dabble with new things constantly. Thank you again all who have read! 

12 Exercises To Get You Sexy!

 With all of the drinking and fast food in our lives it seems hard to keep off the pounds. It seems more important than ever to be in shape in what seems to be a very vanity driven world, thank you Hollywood. I know some of us are getting gym memberships or have had them and have fought with that dedication and drive to want to really work at it. I get it guys, pain is guaranteed but the torment is a choice and honestly this trunky fuck often chooses comfort over the pain and torment. It is ten times easier to watch Netflix and eat snacks all day but what kind of life is that? One I want to get away from, so I want to tell you guys about…

The 12 Exercises You Needed To Get Sexy!

Pushups

We all know how to do a pushup, maybe not the right way but the general idea. This is a very basic workout that you can adapt into new ways. Pushups help define all of your bodies’ muscles and improve posture while increasing testosterone levels.

Planks

Plant your hands under your shoulders, or slightly wider apart, tighten your body, tuck your chin, and just hold it. Another very adaptable exercise; there are side planks, low planks, even wood planks. Doing planks helps build deep inner core muscle and helps create a toned belly.

Glute Bridge

This one is new to me, lie on your back and separate your legs shoulder width apart. Point your knees toward the ceiling and lift your torso up while contracting your abs. You are basically air humping at the ceiling. Glute Bridges help with core stabilization and firms the glutes.

Spider Lunges

Another new one also known as Spiderman Lunges, first, you get into a position that looks like you are at the top of a pushup. Then step forward with one leg and bring it next to the exterior of your elbow then step back. Repeat the process for each leg. Spider Lunges work most of the major back muscles and the muscles used for a pushup.

Plank Taps

These are just like the plank where you hold yourself up like a pushup but alternate lifting one arm and touching the opposite shoulder. This is really just an added hardship to planks.

Squats

We all know how to do squats right, keep your back straight and drop down while bending at the knees then come back up. Squats work out the entire body and burn more fat, and ladies they make the ass look great!

Side Lunges

Hold your chest straight and lunge to the left or right while keeping one foot planted. It looks similar to a football player trying to break away from a defender. Side Lunges help build lower body mass and define the butt as well.

Squat Jumps

Just like doing a squat but you come up and do a jump into the air. The Squat Jump works all of the same muscles as a squat and then some and the deeper the drop the more calories you burn.

Jumping Lunge

Step one foot out and bend it at the knee to 90 degrees while lowering on the other but don’t let it touch the ground. Push up and jump in order to switch feet and repeat the process. Jump Lunges work the hamstrings along with other lower body muscles but remember to warm up before doing this exercise or all of them.

Single-Leg Deadlift

This one looks like a yoga move. Stand up straight, tighten your core and put all of your weight on the planted leg. Raise one leg behind you while keeping the toes pointed at the ground and bending at the hips. Return to upright and repeat the process. These reps require great balance and are great for strengthening your non-dominate leg.

Reverse Lunges

Much like a lunge but instead of stepping forward you step back with one leg while bringing the other down to 90 degrees. Reverse Lunges help make you more flexible and improve endurance.

The Walkout

No, this is not where you throw your hands up and walk out of the gym, the exact opposite. Start by standing up straight, bend at the hips and place your hands on the ground. Once you have your balance start walking your hands forward until you end up in a held pushup position. Walk your hands backwards so you return to standing position and repeat the process. Walkouts work the abs, and those pesky love handles along with the legs.

Mixing any of these exercises into sets of 10 with repetitive circuits can help you burn fat, gain muscle, improve posture, and make you DAMN SEXY!

Keep in mind though that any good exercise routine requires cardio and a good diet so put some work into it! 

Wasted Technology

    I am laying here in a truck bed looking up at the moon while sipping on a whiskey and coke. I turned my Xbox on once tonight but never managed to turn the T.V. on.

    I have been stuck in this thought today about technology. How we are using it for everything now and how much it is complicating our lives. We are swiping our way through the day and letting it pass us by. I know you have all had the same thought at least once this month if not this week. I know we have all heard to use it less but somehow we continue to suckle at the tit that is the World Wide Web like it is the only way to satisfy our craving of a drug that is all around us. The Internet is the fucking tobacco of technology. It's accessible, it's fairly cheap, and both are mixed with additives to keep you hooked. One had nicotine and cyanide while the other has sexuality and cat videos.

    We meet singles through websites and apps. With a split second you can now decide if someone is below you by swiping left or right. (If you didn't catch the double entendre then go back and try it again). What happened to a fair chance of at least making a real first impression by letting someone walk up to you, say hi or drop a line, offer to buy you a drink, and get shot down decently to their face. Now we get the mystery of wondering if they will swipe right or message back.

    We self-diagnose everything we can from personality disorders to illness to spirit animal types and then we try to argue with experts. Have you tried telling your shaman that you are not a North American black tailed deer, they don't like it!" Seriously though, quit trying to tell your doctor what
Web M.D. thinks you have, they had to struggle to get to that level of their career which is why they take all of your money when you go to them. Also please consider that Web M.D has similar symptoms for every illness.

    We communicate through it. The last voice I heard on my personal phone was my dad’s and that's because he only got an iPhone a month ago and is just now learning how to text! I can't be too mad at this one though because I spend all day on the phone and the last thing I want to do when I get home is listen to someone else on the phone. Give me the details in a nice text and we are done. Talking on the phone is for politicians and newlywed couples.

    We share with it, and although sharing is caring we end up over sharing. I am the biggest over sharer I know but not online, no, in person, to people I know, and like. I will talk about almost anything in my life and yet for some reason I'm not near being the worst. I don't need to know that you are taking a grunt in the Ikea bathroom which coincidentally happens to be next to the bathroom furniture and decor section. I don't need to know that you are more outraged by Mufasa being shot than you are any human being, ever. I don't need to see the pictures of your kids first bath; those are things you share to the people closest to you and not the whole world. (Look who's being a hypocrite).

    About the only thing we don't use it for was its original intention. Long distance homework slam sessions. It was made to be a learning tool, to allow us to trade information and open our horizons. I don't know how many times a day I have to look at someone and simply say, "did you google it?” I Google things ten times a day and on a slow day probably 15 or 20; I constantly have questions and want answers. What is wrong with people that they now walk up and ask, "Where’s Starbucks?" Oh I don’t know I think there is 15 in a 4 mile radius but if you want an exact one why not GOOGLE IT!

It’s not a bad thing to have to exercise your mind a bit by writing and reading even if it is 5 words and a paragraph.

    Allow me to summarize my cynical rant; people are wasting this great tool in order to give themselves a quick burst of satisfaction, to release their endorphin's, to get their rocks off. We are growing lazy and bored and instead of struggling for a real high we are like rats in a cage pushing the button for our fix. Step back for a moment, open a book, pick up a pen, build something or go out and have a conversation. Any of it is more exciting than wasting your life lost in the small screen and stalking through Facebook, but then again maybe I'm just being the ass and someone should let me know.   

Words NOT About Death: Husks

When the sun hangs high there is a place I go to lie

on a plank in the shade under the trash tree.

Sleeping with the husks and among the breeze

No one cries or looks to the sky

I am only there between ten and three.

Standing

James Thornquist
8:02 p.m
7-24-2015


Standing

Sitting

This house

All of it stands around me

But,none is mine

The lights off, sitting

Sitting behind the drawn curtains

The air stale; urine.

The gnats festering

Solutions possible

But, not probable.

Why bother when it is all stands

Here, around me

Standing,

But still falling

The sound of the keyboard

Bland

No click

Un-inspiring

8:00 o’clock

And the day is behind me

Ten Drinking Games You Need To Play!

Today I thought we should live up to the name, Wasted Youth, and explain how so many of you are wasting your time and energy by playing…Beer Pong. I love it as much as the next guy but it is time to wake up and smell the fresh vomit stains! There are so many other great drinking games you could be playing and I am here to share the basics of ten great drinking games you should be playing but probably never have!

Buffalo or Water Buffalo- All you need is a drink and people to play with. The rules are simple:
-you cannot hold a drink in your dominate hand. 
-You cannot drink using your dominate hand, and if anyone calls you on it by saying, “Buffalo” then you must finish the drink you are holding right then and there.
   This is a great way to get a small party talking and keeping everyone on their toes. It’s easy to play while passing the time and waiting for your turn on the pong table but also so easy to forget you are playing which is what makes it fun. Be careful though because calling Buffalo to find out someone is using their non-dominate hand results in you having to chug your entire drink.

The Game of Life- No, I do not mean the board game, who wants to sit around and play a game about the thing that is causing them to drink? The game of life although similar to Buffalo is still different. The rules are also simple, you simply have to make sure your drinking vessel, be it bottle, cup or can is damaged in some form or fashion. This keeps you safe, and if at any time someone comes up to you and says, “The Game of Life” you must show them your drink and it’s damage. If you are caught without a damaged vessel you must chug the rest of that drink and promptly grab another.

...Oh and did I forget to mention, once you opt in to play Buffalo or The Game of Life, you are playing forever.

Confidence- is a simple game that requires a few players, a large cup, and a coin of some sort. The game play is straight forward. You begin by pouring some of your drink into the cup as a wager, it can be as little or as much as you want depending on how confident you are. Then you flip the coin and call it in the air. If you are right, you pass the cup to the left (with your drink contents still in it) and the next person repeats, if you are wrong, you must drink the entire contents of the cup!

Thumper- A little more complicated, each player chooses a hand gesture whether it be simple, polite, or sexually enticing, it must be short. The game starts by everyone drumming on the table and someone says, “What’s the name of the game?” everyone must respond, “Thumper!” the leader who started it must then say, “and why do we play?” to which everyone responds, “to get Fucked up!” The leader then performs their hand gesture towards another player who quickly repeats the first gesture and adding their own. Each player must repeat the pattern and add their own until someone misses their Que or is to slow or messes up the pattern and is crowned the “violator.” That person must drink and then begins the next round.

Fuck you- If you have ever played Uno then you will understand fuck you! You deal out an entire deck of cards around the table and the first person plays a card like the 5 of hearts and says Fuck so and so, the person they declare must take five drinks from their drink or if they also have a five can play their five on top of it and declare “Fuck you” to another player passing on the original 5 plus the new five making that person take 10 drinks. At any point someone can throw their matching card on top to make the Fuck more for the drinking player or save that player and pass the new total to a new player. Everyone plays until the last card is assigned and even if you are out of cards you can still be fucked.

Dirty Jenga- Simple, all you need is a Jenga set and a sharpie marker. From there you write different punishments on each block i.e. take a shot, truth or dare, never have I ever, or pass your phone. Think of it like waterfall but with Jenga. Whoever knocks the stack over loses and has to chug the remainder of their drink. Keep in mind that at no point in this game can you have an empty drink.

Battle Shots- I’m not sure if this one needs explaining, it is battle ship but with shots. You can play two ways. The first is where you set up a normal battle ship game and every time your opponent gets a hit you take a shot. The other, which is much more complicated, is where you build your own set up and place the shot glasses on different sectors of the grid. Whenever your opponent hits one of the shots and sinks the shot you must drink it.

Beer Ball / Beer Run- This game has evolved quite quickly in its short lifespan. The original, beer ball is where you set a beer on each end of the table. From the opposite side of the table you try to throw a ball at the beer and hit it. If you hit it you then drink the beer in front of you until your opponent retrieves the ball and places it on the table. Whoever finishes their beer first wins. 
    This game can also be played in teams.

    The evolution which is known as beer run is where you set up 5 cups of beer at the opposite end of the table from the shooter. They shoot the ball and once a cup is made their teammate chugs the beer and has to proceed to flip the cup from its base onto its open mouth before swapping ends with their partner and repeating the process. Whichever team finishes their 5 beers first is the winner. A simple mixture of flip cup and beer pong.

Liars Dice- This one requires a few materials in order to play but is a great game for drinking or gambling. You will need a non-transparent cup for each player and 5 dice. 
    All players shake their dice in their cup (much like Yahtzee) and slam the cup down covering their dice. The player going first looks at their dice and proclaims how many times a selected number occurs on the table. An example of this would be two 3's. The next player then can proclaim there are more of the same number or more of a higher number. If they think the previous player is lying they can call the players bluff and if they think the player is spot on they can also call "spot on." 
    Once a call is made all dice on the table are revealed.
    If you call a bluff and it is correct then the lying player looses the round, takes a drink, and looses a dice. 
    If you call a bluff and it is wrong then you loose the round, take a drink, and loose a dice.
    If you call spot on and are correct then every player except you looses a dice and takes a drink. If you are wrong then you loose a dice and take a drink. 
    the game continues until only one player has dice left. 

True America- The most complex but also exciting game on the list. Imagine the floor is lava meets candy land meets alcoholism.  First you build the castle in the center of the room by placing a bottle of liquor first which is the king. Radiating outward is a 4 rows of beers that are the pawns.

The goal is to traverse the playing spots in the room without touching the floor which means that playing spots are chairs, cushions, tables, etc.

 The game persists of 4 zones created by the angles of the pawns and in those 4 zones are 5 spots to stand.  The center standing spot is the closest to the castle and the only position in which you can take a pawn. 

The goal of the game is to be the first player to land on a center space, have all of the pawns removed and drink from the king. You lose if you touch the lava, do not have a drink or are holding an empty drink. You can come back into the game by drinking a beer and starting at a spot that the other players choose for you.

The game begins by each player shot gunning a beer, the first one done goes first. The winner then yells, “ 1 2 3 JFk” to which all other players respond FDR, grab a pawn and run to a spot. Everyone moves around the field clockwise. Whoever it’s turn is moves 1 space and then provides a chance for everyone else to win a move with 1 of 3 games.

The Count: All players yell 1,2,3 and throw a number of fingers between 1-5 on their fore head, whoever has chosen a number than no one else has chosen gets to move one space.

Complete the Quote: The player begins a quote slowly from history or pop culture and whichever players can complete the quote in tandem win and can move 2 spots.

Something in Common: The player can list two places, people, or things and whoever can declare what these things have in common wins and moves 3 spots.

By laws of True America:

 Everything you hear in true America…is a Lie

When someone finishes a beer they yell, “All trash belongs…” and everyone must respond with, “In the Junk yard!” at which point empty cans are thrown to the designated receptacle.

At any point a player may yell “JFK” and everyone must respond with “FDR” and finish their beer.